Tomorrow the calendar ticks over to 37 weeks pregnant. Full term. I can still hardly believe those words as I stare at them, even as little boy squirms and kicks, even as my belly protrudes ridiculously in its best impression of a smuggled basketball.
To any outside observer, I'm fully playing the part of a "normal" pregnant person preparing for the actual arrival of an actual baby. In the past 2 months I've...
- Shopped all over town to select and register for baby items
- Been showered with kindness and gifts at a lovely shower thrown by mom and SIL
- Attended expectant parent classes with Mr. B. - newborn care, labor, touring the hospital, the works
- Cleaned house like a mad woman - purging closets, organizing drawers, steam-cleaning carpets, buying new blinds
- Tried to catch up on "life" that somehow slipped through the cracks these past 4 years of struggle and sadness - getting new glasses, replacing the tires on my car, backing up my computer, buying a new camera
- Talked to work about maternity leave and returning on a reduced schedule
- Gone to prenatal yoga classes at least once or twice a week
- Bought a nursing bra
- Generally chattered away with coworkers and strangers (and election workers...) about due dates and planning and cankles
My to-do list grows ever longer, especially as my ambitions continue to way exceed my decreasing energy levels. After feeling so impatient for so long, once we hit about 24 weeks (viability and feeling movement), I felt a wave of stress and switched gears into "holy crap, I need to get some shit done," and it feels like the weeks have flown by since.
But despite all this, a numbness persists. A disconnect between my head and my heart. Everything feels like an almost academic exercise - "I need to pick out the best stroller" but deep down I can't picture a baby in it, let alone OUR baby.
Just tonight I did a load of laundry of baby things for first time. Our shower was just 2 weeks ago, and feeling overwhelmed, I placed a call to Mom to come help me go through everything last weekend. But tonight was the first time I was alone with these things, placing each little sock and footed sleeper into the washing machine. And then just staring incredulously at it all.
I'm so incredibly grateful to be where we are, and so much sadness has been lifted already, but this barrier remains. And I don't think there is any way to get past it until this little boy is safely in our arms. Imagining that moment, that very first moment he is out in the world, overwhelms me and brings a sob to my throat every time I allow myself to go there. Please please please, I beg of the universe, get us to that place safely and soon.
And to my dear fellow bloggies, please forgive my absence from this space. Each day, and then another, would pass without finding the time or energy, and if I'm really honest, the self-awareness and marbles to put words to my feelings and experiences these days. But know that you all are in my thoughts daily, even if I don't get the chance to comment. Having zero screen privacy at work can be a real sonofabitch sometimes. {*And wordpress seems to be eating all my comments when I do - WTF?? At least 3 4 just now, argh. I tried, Egghunt, Miss Ohkay, and Daryl!}
I want to give a special nod to Amy at Dwelling on Dreams and Emily at Trying to Find My Way - I found them both during this pregnancy, each of us expecting our rainbow babies after RPL, all boys, all due almost the same exact day. Like so often in blogland, finding others who are going through the exact same roller coaster of emotions is beyond comforting, and many times I've been tempted to link to their posts with "what she said." Hoping our paths continue to converge in happy endings in just a few short weeks. Thinking of you both!!
