“You have new hair”

...is what my hair stylist said to me this week. Apparently I have new hair growth along my temples. I can’t tell the difference, but she’s been cutting my hair for over 2 years so I guess I’ll take her word for it. My immediate (silent) thought was of course, “do you think I’ve also grown new eggs?!?” Oh well, I’ll take it as a sign that I’m doing at least something right health-wise. Or maybe that I’ve just been on too many hormones. At least this new hair is on my head.

We didn’t pull off the Jamaica trip for this weekend, but managed to get a last-minute deal for next weekend instead. Came about in a flurry as flights were booking up and prices were rising by the minute. (Literally. We’d be on the phone with the travel agent and they’d be like, “aaaand that just went up $300.”)

I sort of had a meltdown last Sunday night as we were finally booking the trip. Making travel plans was pushing me out of my cocoon-ish comfort zone, especially since the trip was now falling post-ovulation hence putting me further into don’t-do-that-or-you’ll-screw-up-another-pregnancy territory.

I think the end/beginning of cycles are just the worst time for me overall. Makes me weary - the disappointment of another failed cycle, the gearing up to do it all over again. And the feeling that was palpable last Sunday was FAILURE. The feeling of, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m failing. Over and over again, in oh so many ways. Fail, fail, fail. Cue feelings of defeat, shame, etc. etc., and crying myself to sleep as my confused husband attempted to comfort me.

Most days lately I feel like I’m handling all of this pretty well, which I completely owe to this bloggie community and my meditation support group. Like I have more emotional strength to handle whatever we face, and that I’m healing from some past wounds. But then I have a day like Sunday where I completely fall to pieces, and just want to yell at myself “FAKER! - you’re just as crazy as ever and will never be truly happy.”

But... I’m feeling better now. It took a few days to get my feet back under me, but I’m back to (faking) some semblance of calm and sanity. And I’m totally looking forward to our trip next weekend. It’s done and booked so am doing my best to (fake) the part of the carefree fertile. 

Not sure if will post again until after our trip, so love and sunshine to everyone til then!

Escape

POAS on Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Negatory. Like I knew it would be. I know sometimes I tell myself it will be negative just as a jedi mind trick of sorts, but this time I really did know, I just did, can’t explain it. And then AF arrived this morning, in the thank-heavens-for-small-favors column, right on time.

Thursday morning I left the bathroom, informed my husband of the news, shed the obligatory tears as he hugged me, and then told him that I needed a beach asap.

Because I am a crazy person and have had bad things happen while traveling while pregnant or trying to get pregnant, getting on a plane has just become one of those things I don’t do. (And I don’t want to make anyone else worry because I know most doctors will say its fine and scads of pregnant women probably do it every day without problem. But I’ve had some bad experiences, and then my RE told me basically “for most women it doesn’t make a difference, but perhaps for you it does, so I wouldn’t.” Done and done. So I don’t.)

This means I’ve had to take on a different role at work (since my previous required heavy traveling, mostly international.) And we plan no trips, no vacations. Because would just stress me out too much with the “what if,” that it’s not worth it. And last year by May I had already killed most of my sick/vacation time with 2 miscarriages and assumed would need the rest for a third, so wasn’t even really an issue.

But I feel myself cracking up (exhibit A, my last post). Our chance to get away over the holidays was blown by my antibiotics treatment (no sun, no booze). And these last 2 weeks of winter have broken me - blizzard followed by sub-zero temps. I need out.

Drastic times call for drastic measures. It looks like we are going to book a quick 4-day getaway to Jamaica next weekend. As in less than 7 days from now. As in right after my period ends, and right before I ovulate. I felt like a chump asking for the time off from work with such short notice, and we are ridiculously overpaying for the flights since so soon. But f*** it. It’s either this or nothing. And I need it.

So for now I am leaving behind my disappointment and looking forward to a warm sandy beach, watching the blue waves, sipping a pina colada, with Bob Marley on a constant loop in the background.

7 things - crabby edition

Aaaand the crazies are back. 

  

I'd been feeling pretty upbeat, notable since so rare in this journey. Felt strong and healthy and sane, and like even if this whole baby thing doesn't work out for us, that we will be okay and still have a chance at happiness.

  

But now I'm crabby and irritable and been on the verge of tears all day. So here's another list of 7 things, this time of all the things contributing to my crappy state of mind. Feel free to just keep movin' along instead of listening to me bitch and moan.

  

1) The winter storm was fun and all (not), but just makes life a pain in the ass. Everything is dirty and slushy and wet and cold. I abandoned my car for a few days and public transportation makes me crabby. I’m glad that I have the option, but hot, smelly, packed, and LATE buses have worn out their welcome.

  

2) Saturday was the annual pub crawl that started with a small group of coworkers 15 years ago, and has grown to a crowd of over 200 friends of friends of friends. Is the one time a year that I see a lot of these people, and they've known me and my husband for a really long time (we met while working at this job). I had my reservations about going but sucked it up and told myself to get over it and have fun. Um, not so much, rough day. First off, I wasn't drinking. Even though I'm feeling 90% sure I'm not pregnant (more on that later), of course there's still that chance so I wasn't comfortable screwing with it by boozing. Yeah, try NOT feeling self-conscious on a bar crawl while not drinking, not to mention bitter. 

  

And then every person I ran into was the same old small talk, "what's new, what have you been up to?" It's my personal nightmare situation. I have no good answer for it. I mumble and gloss over it and try to steer conversation elsewhere, because what the f*** am I supposed to say? The reality is that there's a ton going on, just none of it is appropriate for polite, once a year conversation. And everyone else's update is of course about their kids. One guy decided to give me the lowdown of everyone at my old office, and it was literally just a tally of who popped out what kids by age and gender. Nothing else is apparently "what's new"-sworthy. And given my age and how long I've been married, I felt like our kids-or-lack-thereof situation was just a big ol' awkward elephant in the room. Was a long day and just wore me out.

  

3) Sunday we went to my brother's house for a combo Superbowl party and birthday party for my nephew. I'm great when it's just my family, but add in my SIL's family and some of their friends, and suddenly I am painfully aware of being the only female in the room over the age of 15 that is NOT a mother. It's like I forgot to bring a birthday present or an appetizer, but, oops, instead I forgot to bring my baby.

  

4) My husband had a friend staying with us most of the weekend, giving me almost no "safe" time to just be myself, wallow, watch bad television, cuddle, whatever, and shake off these bad few days.

  

5) Prometrium, aka "hoo-hoo pills" per my husband, sucks. I swear I can feel the crazies start to slowly build every day after I start them (my dr. wants me on them 3dpo til 14dpo). I'm edgier and annoyed and just feel like shit, and it’s a distinct, recognizable shift compared to how I was feeling un-medicated. It messes with my sleep and gives me anxiety dreams and raises my body temp so I spend all night flinging covers on and off. Plus I'm tired of pink goo oozing out of my lady parts all day long. Sorry TMI, but is just unpleasant and gets old fast. And don't forget the fake pregnancy symptoms, uh-uh, won't be fooled again by that b.s.

  

6) I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant right now. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up since we got in the game a little late this cycle, but is still sending me into a discouraged sad spiral. Still a few days away from testing, but no signs of implantation bleeding (which I've had with every other pregnancy) and just not feeling it.

  

7) Between the weather and being busy, I haven’t been to my holistic fertility center or done any yoga, meditation, etc etc in almost 2 weeks. I miss it and really need it to get centered and sane. 

  

Overall, I think I spent way too much time this past week in the “real world” of more distant acquaintances and the general public. I need to get back into my safe little cocoon of just my close friends and family, and IF/RPL peeps (IRL and in blogland), who know everything and just allow me to be myself and talk about whatever I need to talk about.

  

Sorry to be crabby. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure I’ll perk up with the start of my next cycle. Always do, right?

7 things - snowpocalypse edition!

Thank you so much to manymanymoons and TeamBabyCEO for my blog award! I am honored and have loved reading your blogs and getting to know you. Thanks for all your support!

Here’s the rules:

1. Thank and Link back to the person who gave you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award to recently discovered bloggers.

4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to make them aware of the award!

So here goes with my 7 random things, as I watch the “thunder snow” fall outside my window. 

1) I am the youngest and only girl in my family. My brothers are 5 and 7 years older than me, and as long as I can remember I’ve known that my mom lost 2 pregnancies before me. I’ve always felt very loved and appreciated by my parents, and what both comforts and torments me is that I know my mom understands all too well what I am going through. Some days I think it hurts her more than it hurts me, and that’s saying a lot.

2) I love my oldest brother’s kids to pieces. He has 4 kids - a 6 yr old, twin 3 1/2 yr olds, and a 2 yr old. They are about the only kids in the whole wide world that make me much happier than sad to be around. Ever since my oldest nephew was born (the first grandchild for both sides of their family), my bro and SIL made such an effort to include all of us in their joy, which I appreciate more than I can really put into words. I was at the hospital when each of them were born, I’ve fed them bottles as newborns, I’ve read them bedtime stories, I’ve vacationed with them, and on and on. My brother’s encouraged their relationship with us and helps make us feel special to them -- every time I walk in their door, I have 4 monkeys running to greet me, and its leaping hugs and kisses every time I leave. They make me sad that I haven’t given them cousins, but also bring me my greatest comfort because they do feel like they are “mine” in that deep, familial way.

3) I actually like my job (most days). I’m a consumer researcher for an innovation firm, which is sort of like a mix between a design firm and a traditional business consulting firm. My job is basically to learn about people, and create products and services that better serve their needs. I began working there 6 years ago when there were only 15 people on staff, and have watched it grow to over 60 today. The vibe is progressive and collaborative and creative, and the people truly feel like family. And they’ve been really kind about supporting me in these crazy times.

4) I’m on my third career. I graduated college with a degree in civil engineering, and my first job was with an environmental engineering firm. Most of our work was designing landfills -- sexy, right!? Was actually really interesting work with a great group of people. Like, um, my husband-to-be. My second job was with a government agency running a large public works construction project. Totally fascinating to see the inner workings of big-city government, but in the end the bureaucracy and politics were just waayyyy too much for me to handle.

5) I used to play rugby in college. In high school, I ran track and cross-country, and by the time I got to college I was so burnt out on running I dove into intramural sports instead, like flag-football and soccer. So freshman year when one of my friends decided to start a women’s club rugby team, I was all for it. Was such a perfect situation since we were almost all new and clueless and learning the sport from scratch. And I got to tackle people. Which is an awesome way to work out academic stress and fight the freshman fifteen. We were so terrible in the beginning. Our first match was against the city’s women’s club team of primarily 25-to-30-year old lesbians. They killed us. Our coach told us later “I was scared for you.” I recently saw the movie Whip It, and totally brought me back to the days of being badass underdog chicks.

6) I am a closet two-stepper. I went to college in the south, and we used to go two-stepping all the time. As a Chicago girl raised on alt-rock, I swore up and down that I would never ever like country music. My only frame of reference was the Blues Brothers (we have both kinds here, country AND western). But after a couple of turns on the dance floor with a hot guy on a warm humid night, I began to see things differently! Seriously, boys in the south know how to DANCE. Sigh. The good ol’ days. Sadly, don’t get much opportunity for this after coming back to Chicago. I even tried last year to make my husband take a swing dance class with me -- he looked so awkward and miserable I had to let him off the hook.

7) I love my TiVo. In my present uber-lame existence, there is sadly nothing that makes me happier than coming home to my couch and blanket, with a full dvr of recorded shows to dig into. Maybe isn’t the healthiest thing, but most nights I just want to turn off my brain and think about nothing - not work, not fertility, not anything. I just want to be entertained and distracted and laugh. And since I’ve read about all the great stress-reducing effects of laughter, I’ve totally justified it to myself! I’ve even loaded up my ipod with some favorites, and will bust it out while waiting for stressful appointments. I seriously owe my sanity to the show Arre.sted Develop.ment, it has seen me through some dark days.

Okay, there you go. Hope I didn’t bore anyone too terribly!

I've come to love many many blogs, but here are just a few. Check them out and give them some support!

Misfit Mrs.

The misadventures of missohkay

One to keep

My So-Called (TTC) Life

Where's My Fairytale Ending?