2011. Reset.

The new year represents a fresh start, for better or for worse. Besides the obvious (better = healthy baby; worse = more heartbreak, tears and sadness in ever new and surprising forms), my next cycle represents a new beginning in ways I’m not so crazy about.

The past 2 years can be seen as a sort of progression, a series of failures that prompt the next action, “well, that didn’t work, let’s try this instead.” Maybe its the engineer in me, but it’s all a big, bizarre science experiment.

Except my diagnosis of chronic endometritis now throws the past who-knows-how-many months of trial and error out the window. I’m working with tainted data.

The day I got the news also happened to be my 38th birthday (good times). Months earlier, sitting in the REs office following our last miscarriage in May, I started to put together a mental timeline. We’ll keep trying on our own until I turn 38, and by that time I’ll either have had another miscarriage or (less likely) be out of the first trimester of a pregnancy. I was sure of it, and had good reason to be based on our history. I even stored up my vacation time, assuming I’d need the time off to recover from miscarriage #5 (hence my having these days off at the end of the year). And then, we’d make some big decisions about moving on to more aggressive measures -- IVF w/PGD, donor egg, adoption.

But then I stopped getting pregnant. And we have no way to know why. Was it because of the endometritis? Or because of my crusty old eggs? Or something else not even on the radar?

So when we are cleared to try again (fingers crossed will be next cycle), we’ll be right back where we were in May, only older. Trying again on our own, seeing what happens, hoping to get lucky, until... I just don’t know now. 

So for now in 2011, I’m making no plans, setting no expectations. I certainly didn’t expect 2010 to go this way. Another year has come and gone. Another birthday has come and gone. Another Christmas Eve has come and gone, marking the 2 year anniversary of our first ever BFP, yet another slap in the face.

Not sure if can be attributed more to wisdom or weariness, but going to try to ignore the calendar, and take each day as it comes. No pressure, no milestones, no deadlines.

C’mon 2011. Let’s see what you got.