It’s amazing how fast two weeks can fly by, when they’re not a 2ww!
The first week was lost wallowing in non-news, the second in a flurry of work. (Which unfortunately forced my blog-reading to my phone, so my apologies for not commenting, but know that I’ve been thinking of everybody!)
The ambiguity of this next cycle was starting to get to me, so I put in a call to Dr. B right after my last post. The conversation with the nurse left me only more confused, and sad and frustrated to boot. It didn’t seem like that complicated of a question: is there a chance that we’ll be able to try this next cycle or not? Long story short, I couldn’t get a straight answer on what the plan would be, or if we’d have any chance of getting test results back by the time I ovulate.
It was frustrating that the nurse just didn’t seem to understand why this was an important question. That mentally preparing myself for a break month looks a whole lot different than preparing for a month of trying. Maybe it shouldn’t, but the reality is that it does.
If it was going to be a break month, the idea of more waiting was hard to stomach. But if I knew with absolute certainty, then I could at least make the most of it -- get some home improvement projects done, take that long overdue vacation, plan a few benders with girlfriends.
But no such luck. More limbo. Head stuck back in sand.
But at least AF made a right-on-time appearance on the 16th (a tiny bit of good news from my body, which I’ll always take). Called back the nurse, and got my biopsy scheduled for this Monday the 24th. So I’m trying to look forward to it as a chance to get some information and plan our path forward, and focus less on my anxiousness over the pain of having part of my uterus scraped out.
So that’s my update. Other than that I’ve just been feeling sort of numb, sort of detached. And in kind of a good way. The sadness and longing is always there, but has felt less raw this month, being on the bench. Been trying to focus on other things, stay busy at work, be happy, feel healthy, laugh. Squirreling away whatever positive energy I can find, for the darker days that inevitably lie ahead.
Will report back after my appointment Monday. Until then... GO BEARS!!! SUCK IT, PACKERS!!!
(I love me some Bears football. Will be the perfect distraction til Monday!)
I think that would be awfully hard. The thing about this process is we mostly have no control over anything, the failure of our bodies, appointments, medications etc. So I think (for me) being able to 'control' (or at least know) and schedule what life will be like seems more as though I am making a choice to be on this journey, not that it is just happening to me. I wish you the best. And I like the analogy you made to 'sitting on the bench' ...that's what I'm doing for a while, just riding the bench...
ReplyDeleteI hate when doctors/nurses act clueless about scheduling, as though every month doesn't feel like precious time is ticking away. Good luck at your appointment and go bears!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I don't do so well with the unknown. Monday (tomorrow!) will be here before you know it and hopefully you'll get some answers and a plan of action. Good luck with the appointment...and yes, GO BEARS (I'm going back to my 8-years in Chicago and cheering for da' bears!).
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Glad you're doing okay and keeping busy. I hope you've got some good football karma to tide you over until your appointment.
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you on the difference between a trying month and a break month. Once we knew this would a break month, its been awesome and so stress free, because there is nothing to stress about as far as will it or won't it work this time. Its nice to drink Starbucks and have a cocktail out. But, now that AF is due to appear sometime next week, I'm really hoping she does and that we won't be having to do Provera/Prometrium to make her come. The past 24 days off have been a blessing, but I'm ready to start trying again ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck tomorrow morning and I'm sorry about the Bears. We're Cowboy fans, but we were rooting for the Bears today! Hopefully, the Jets will win and then kick the Packer's butts in 2 weeks!
Sorry about the Bears. With my Bengals out of it I was rootig for ya.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the mental prep. Knowing what the plan is and what to expect makes all the difference. Sorry it's so up in the air.
Break months are needed...as much as I'd like to just keep going ging going for our end goal. It's nice to have sex when you want to and drink what you want to (although, I have to confess that I haven't been too good about cutting back on the alcohol/coke zero).
ReplyDeleteKeep being distracted by the fun things in life!
I'm hoping you got some answers at your appt today. Thinking of you my friend....please keep us posted. And dude, I just have to say that I would go cah-ra-zzzzzzzy not knowing if I was in for a bench month or a cycling month. I was benched so many times....and it softened the blow if I was at least EXPECTING it (from a medicated cycle). So I totally get why you NEED to know....and I am annoyed the nurse didn't get that!?!? xoxo
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