Escape

POAS on Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Negatory. Like I knew it would be. I know sometimes I tell myself it will be negative just as a jedi mind trick of sorts, but this time I really did know, I just did, can’t explain it. And then AF arrived this morning, in the thank-heavens-for-small-favors column, right on time.

Thursday morning I left the bathroom, informed my husband of the news, shed the obligatory tears as he hugged me, and then told him that I needed a beach asap.

Because I am a crazy person and have had bad things happen while traveling while pregnant or trying to get pregnant, getting on a plane has just become one of those things I don’t do. (And I don’t want to make anyone else worry because I know most doctors will say its fine and scads of pregnant women probably do it every day without problem. But I’ve had some bad experiences, and then my RE told me basically “for most women it doesn’t make a difference, but perhaps for you it does, so I wouldn’t.” Done and done. So I don’t.)

This means I’ve had to take on a different role at work (since my previous required heavy traveling, mostly international.) And we plan no trips, no vacations. Because would just stress me out too much with the “what if,” that it’s not worth it. And last year by May I had already killed most of my sick/vacation time with 2 miscarriages and assumed would need the rest for a third, so wasn’t even really an issue.

But I feel myself cracking up (exhibit A, my last post). Our chance to get away over the holidays was blown by my antibiotics treatment (no sun, no booze). And these last 2 weeks of winter have broken me - blizzard followed by sub-zero temps. I need out.

Drastic times call for drastic measures. It looks like we are going to book a quick 4-day getaway to Jamaica next weekend. As in less than 7 days from now. As in right after my period ends, and right before I ovulate. I felt like a chump asking for the time off from work with such short notice, and we are ridiculously overpaying for the flights since so soon. But f*** it. It’s either this or nothing. And I need it.

So for now I am leaving behind my disappointment and looking forward to a warm sandy beach, watching the blue waves, sipping a pina colada, with Bob Marley on a constant loop in the background.