Aaaand the crazies are back.
I'd been feeling pretty upbeat, notable since so rare in this journey. Felt strong and healthy and sane, and like even if this whole baby thing doesn't work out for us, that we will be okay and still have a chance at happiness.
But now I'm crabby and irritable and been on the verge of tears all day. So here's another list of 7 things, this time of all the things contributing to my crappy state of mind. Feel free to just keep movin' along instead of listening to me bitch and moan.
1) The winter storm was fun and all (not), but just makes life a pain in the ass. Everything is dirty and slushy and wet and cold. I abandoned my car for a few days and public transportation makes me crabby. I’m glad that I have the option, but hot, smelly, packed, and LATE buses have worn out their welcome.
2) Saturday was the annual pub crawl that started with a small group of coworkers 15 years ago, and has grown to a crowd of over 200 friends of friends of friends. Is the one time a year that I see a lot of these people, and they've known me and my husband for a really long time (we met while working at this job). I had my reservations about going but sucked it up and told myself to get over it and have fun. Um, not so much, rough day. First off, I wasn't drinking. Even though I'm feeling 90% sure I'm not pregnant (more on that later), of course there's still that chance so I wasn't comfortable screwing with it by boozing. Yeah, try NOT feeling self-conscious on a bar crawl while not drinking, not to mention bitter.
And then every person I ran into was the same old small talk, "what's new, what have you been up to?" It's my personal nightmare situation. I have no good answer for it. I mumble and gloss over it and try to steer conversation elsewhere, because what the f*** am I supposed to say? The reality is that there's a ton going on, just none of it is appropriate for polite, once a year conversation. And everyone else's update is of course about their kids. One guy decided to give me the lowdown of everyone at my old office, and it was literally just a tally of who popped out what kids by age and gender. Nothing else is apparently "what's new"-sworthy. And given my age and how long I've been married, I felt like our kids-or-lack-thereof situation was just a big ol' awkward elephant in the room. Was a long day and just wore me out.
3) Sunday we went to my brother's house for a combo Superbowl party and birthday party for my nephew. I'm great when it's just my family, but add in my SIL's family and some of their friends, and suddenly I am painfully aware of being the only female in the room over the age of 15 that is NOT a mother. It's like I forgot to bring a birthday present or an appetizer, but, oops, instead I forgot to bring my baby.
4) My husband had a friend staying with us most of the weekend, giving me almost no "safe" time to just be myself, wallow, watch bad television, cuddle, whatever, and shake off these bad few days.
5) Prometrium, aka "hoo-hoo pills" per my husband, sucks. I swear I can feel the crazies start to slowly build every day after I start them (my dr. wants me on them 3dpo til 14dpo). I'm edgier and annoyed and just feel like shit, and it’s a distinct, recognizable shift compared to how I was feeling un-medicated. It messes with my sleep and gives me anxiety dreams and raises my body temp so I spend all night flinging covers on and off. Plus I'm tired of pink goo oozing out of my lady parts all day long. Sorry TMI, but is just unpleasant and gets old fast. And don't forget the fake pregnancy symptoms, uh-uh, won't be fooled again by that b.s.
6) I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant right now. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up since we got in the game a little late this cycle, but is still sending me into a discouraged sad spiral. Still a few days away from testing, but no signs of implantation bleeding (which I've had with every other pregnancy) and just not feeling it.
7) Between the weather and being busy, I haven’t been to my holistic fertility center or done any yoga, meditation, etc etc in almost 2 weeks. I miss it and really need it to get centered and sane.
Overall, I think I spent way too much time this past week in the “real world” of more distant acquaintances and the general public. I need to get back into my safe little cocoon of just my close friends and family, and IF/RPL peeps (IRL and in blogland), who know everything and just allow me to be myself and talk about whatever I need to talk about.
Sorry to be crabby. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure I’ll perk up with the start of my next cycle. Always do, right?
I feel like posting a link from your site to mine with a caption that reads, "What she said!) :) Isn't it crazy how you're fine one minute and then then next it's like you're ready to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. Hang in there though...things will get better I promise (mostly talking to myself, but the same applies to you too).
ReplyDeleteTake it easy as soon as you can. Sounds like you need a relaxing weekend.
It is so true that it is hard being out in the real world where you have to "put up the good front." Every once in a while it is OK, but generally I, too prefer the cocoon. We've been told by the aquaintence type friends that we've been anti-social lately, but I can only be around those that can take care of me now. I hope you have some time to get your equilibrium back or at least feel like the fertile world isn't in your face. Perhaps you need a rule...only 1 "real world" event every 2-3 weeks and NO GUESTS. We're not allowed to have any guests while cycling b/c I had guests during two cycles and it was awful b/c I couldn't sob whenever necessary.
ReplyDeleteI ditto RunningMama's thoughts....it is impossible being in the real world while dealing with this stuff. I basically cocooned myself for 1.5 years. Of course, our 7 weddings were difficult...uhhh, exactly what you said about the whole "what have you been up to" awkwardness and then the annoying habit people have of "catching up" by telling you every random person you have in common who has had a baby recently. UGH.
ReplyDeleteTake some time for yourself, get your Zen back, don't feel the slightest bit bad about needing some alone time that's not with coworkers and friends.
I always have hope for you—yes, THIS cycle, right now, I have hope. Hang in my friend. xoxo
Blogs are the BEST place to be crabby! I had a really hard time being with friends during our treatments. It was all I could think about and I ended up just withdrawing and being moody, so I declined a lot of social stuff. Not sure that was the best approach, but it was how I coped. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! The superbowl party and pub crawl sound like self-torture. I agree with AplusB that I started withdrawing from some parties, etc. that would bring on the small talk. I had NOTHING else to talk about because thinking about my fertility consumed every waking and sleeping moment.
ReplyDeleteAnd, for whatever wee bit of hope it is worth, I was shocked that I didn't have any implantation spotting at all - nothing, zip, zilch.
Stay hopeful - I am so hopeful for you!!!
I closed myself off from the real world for so long while I dealt with IF and then my losses. I'm just now starting to come out of my little cocoon more and more and feel comfortable feeling happy in the real world, even though it's still difficult sometimes when people don't understand what we've been through.
ReplyDeleteI hate the "So, what's new?" questions, because it always felt like "so, where's your baby?" to me. After a while, I came armed with stories of our latest vacation so at least I had something to talk about instead of the boring "nothing. just working" answer.
Always feel free to be crabby on the blog. That's why it exists :-) keeping my fingers crossed for you.