Just trying to get through it

...and by "it" I mean the holidays. My coping strategy so far this month has been to go a little numb. Go to the parties and events required of me, smile and small talk, indulge in a glass of wine or two, and try to not think too hard about anything, certainly not where we are (or are not, or have been in the past) this Christmas, or really even to acknowledge that it's Christmas at all. I haven't decorated our house, I waited til the last minute to buy even a single present (all done in one shot yesterday), haven't sent a single card (though I broke down and bought of few to send to the aunts and godmother, still sitting in the shopping bag). Yeah, I know - bah humbug.
  
But mostly it's been working and I've managed to keep my spirits up, or at least "not down." But as the Eve approaches, I'm feeling that facade start to crumble. Cried listening to Christmas music in the car on the way home. Cried opening the big batch of Christmas cards that awaited me, and all the smiling babes that comes with it. Decided to lay on the couch "just for a minute" but 2 hours later I can't seem to get motivated to go to the grocery store, wrap presents, or all the other millions things I should be doing today.
  
And try as I might, I can't shake the knot in my stomach and swirl of ugly emotions that came with the pregnancy announcement of someone close to us a few nights ago, just when I thought I had become immune to them. In a flash, I saw the next year of what I'll have to graciously endure, the gatherings surrounded by ooh-aah pregnancy babble, the baby shower that I won't be able to elude, the hospital visit to congratulate the glowing new parents. In that same flash, I felt jealousy and resentment that this couple consciously pushed off having kids for years after getting married and they were not forced to pay for that gamble, all while we've struggled and suffered and sacrificed to no avail. I felt shame that my body has failed us and could not do what hers has done, and I felt self conscious that some will know how hard this is on me and will be watching my reaction. All this I felt the instant I heard the news, this complex stab of feelings, but all my husband saw was that tears sprang to my eyes and I had to leave the room (thankfully was just the two of us), and I added to my emotions embarrassment that I wasn't stronger and frustration that all this was too hard to explain to him in that moment.
  
I hate feeling this way and have been working hard to find peace with this situation before I see them face to face this weekend. Being able to identify this vile cocktail of emotion has been an effective first step, and because I don't want to spread the ugliness to anyone who knows them, I'm getting it out of my system here in hopes it helps me to move past it. I actually care a great deal about this couple and we've had great times together, and I need to remind myself of the joy that my husband and I get from the children in our life.
  
I just need to get through the next few days. 
  
Oh yeah. Merry something-or-other.