This past week has not been so awesome. Nothing is wrong, as far as I know. But that's just it, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
This is the first time I've had to go longer than a week between ultrasounds. The recurring image that keeps running through my mind is of being on a raft with no sight of either shore. And the gulf between knowing everything is okay at 10.5 weeks, and knowing everything is okay at 12.5 weeks is feeling enormous. Getting to 10.5 weeks was huge, but mentally I can't allow myself to process this as real until we get to our next appt at 12.5 weeks, there is just so much first trimester risk still packed in there. Which means I'm in this weird suspended paralyzed state, nothing specific to worry about yet just so full of fear and doubt.
I was doing okay those first few days. Mother's Day I even allowed myself to focus not on the past pain and sadness and still empty arms, but on the gratitude and contentment of where we were, just where we needed to be. We spent the latter part of the day in the sunshine at my MILs house, surrounded by hubs' siblings. Two of my SILs are expecting in the next few months, one with twins, and I allowed myself to imagine how different this family gathering will look 6 months from now, and how amazing it would be for our child to have three cousins so close in age.
But by the end of the day, the thought of losing what I had allowed myself to dream suddenly scared the sh** out of me, and I lost it. I have been weepy and tense and fearful ever since. Not to mention super bitchy, you're welcome to anyone who had the misfortune of having to be around me this week.
It hasn't helped that my sleeping has been disastrous. I struggle with "restless legs" anyway, but it has been really terrible at night this week. It even wakes me up after having finally fallen asleep, which has NEVER happened before. Every night I toss and turn and get up to stretch and walk around and lie back down, repeat, from about 2-4a, like clockwork. I allowed myself a quick spin on Dr. Google, and sure enough, apparently this condition tends to worsen with pregnancy. Last night I just stayed up until about 1:00a, needed to get something done for work anyway. Got up early so means still didn't get enough sleep, but at least I mostly slept through the night, hoping breaks the cycle.
Ugh. So I just realized this sounds like I'm complaining about this pregnancy. Barf. It's not that, it's just that when I don't sleep, it's even harder to keep a handle on my emotions, and this week my sanity has done some serious unraveling.
Sorry, I have one more complaint-that-really-isn't. For at least the past 3 weeks I swear I look about 4 months pregnant. But it ain't baby. It's poop. And gas. And progesterone bloat. And sitting-on-a-couch-for-6-weeks flab. Which in and of itself I don't give a shit about. But the thought of someone looking at me and suspecting what I'm not even ready to admit to myself, sucks big time and stresses me out. Thank god for a cool April and being able to wear baggy hoody sweatshirts to work, the few days I'm going in at all. But May is heating up and I look ridiculous in a t-shirt. It's seriously ridiculous, and I'm running out of blousy summer shirts to rotate, and there is no fucking way I am shopping for maternity clothes so don't even think it.
Okay. One day at a time. Somehow time will pass and next Wednesday will get here. And after that, I'll think about after that.
(p.s. I got a glowing recommendation for an OB from 2 trusted IF vets, and finally got up the nerve to request an appointment. I used the online request form on their website in a moment of courage late Monday night, and.... nothing. I've heard nothing. Not the best start. And I haven't had the balls to follow up and actually place a phone call and talk to a human and say words I barely allow myself to think. And of course a week has allowed me plenty of time to waffle on the decision to begin with. So there you go. Frick. Monday. I'll deal with it Monday. Hopefully haven't already f*ed myself.)
sounds pretty sucky. especially the restless legs.
ReplyDeleteThe waits will get easier. The skills you develop for coping with the anxiety now will help throughout-- and the sleep thing doesn't get easier, so maybe ask your RE (or OB when you hear back from them!) if there's anything you can take to help you sleep.
ReplyDeleteThis is really hard, but you're doing great.
I've been there. I am 16 weeks now and I still say, when being asked "Everything is OK, as far as I know." It was much harder before we hit the 12 weeks mark. I hoped I would relax then, but that excact week some bleeding started an blew every piece of confidence away that I had gathered so far.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it is slowly getting better. What helpes me is a growing belly. Not just the usual gas bump but actually seeing and feeling change. I know you are not there yet and from my experience, people telling you that "it's going to be fine, you worry too much" does not help you at all and sometimes makes you want to punch faces.
We have the right to worry. To be afraid. This does not help the baby grow but it also doesn't harm it in ANY way.
We have no control, and this also means we can't jinx this, not even by buying maternity clothes.
I'm so sorry it's been so sucky this week. I don't consider what you're doing to be complaining, and anyway, I think IFers need to have some space to talk about the bad parts of pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI'm pissed that the OB didn't call you back. Grr.
I can't even imagine how hard it is to get from one ultrasound to the next wihout completely losing it. You're doing great. I hope that OB calls you back before you have to resort to calling them.
ReplyDeleteTotally normal response, you know. Honestly, until I felt movement at 23 weeks or so, I felt the same "as far as I know" insanity. No amount of day dreaming will jinx you at this point. At the point where you are now, I'd gained visible weight and went shopping for a few clearance tops that would work. Maternity wear is a really hard step. Normal, normal, normal is my mantra for you. You are on the cusp of new and exciting worries.
ReplyDeleteI have so much hope for you, but I know how dangerous hope feels, so I'll hold it in check! It was good to see you this week. Hugs hugs hugs and waving my magic wand to make it mid-week already.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't kidding, this is exactly how I was feeling on Thursday. I'm holding my breathe for your that your u/s goes exactly as well.
ReplyDeleteMy husband took a video of our u/s and I think having that MIGHT help me survive my first two weeks between appointments. Lord knows the evil Doppler didn't help!
Thinking of you often.
Like others, feeling movement really helps with the anxiety, but I know that feels like it's a million years away. I'm so glad all is well so far. One day at a time. xooxox
ReplyDeleteHope today went well. I had to call the office for something and was thinking of you.
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