Graduation Day. We made it.

Today we graduated from Dr. B., the RPL doc. I am 12.5 weeks pregnant, and to my shock and amazement and relief and joy, our ultrasound this morning showed an alive, growing, normal looking thing that I might soon feel comfortable actually referring to as a baby.
  
We had the same ultrasound tech as last time, and she was once again awesome. Got right down to business in my lady business, "there's the heartbeat." Cue the biggest sigh of relief ever, and the release of tears and worry and the strain of the wait of these verrryyy looonnngg two weeks that just about broke me. I mumbled something about it being a long 2 weeks, and she was jokingly like, "2 weeks!! They made you wait 2 weeks!" She even gave my doc a hard time about it when she came in a few minutes later.
  
This appointment was officially for our 1st Trimester Screening, unchartered territory for us. Overall she said everything looked good, nuchal-translucency-whathoosit looked normal, growth/size/heartrate all on track. She mentioned she could see a nasal bone, another good sign for chromosomal issues - not formally part of the day's line up but she said she's trained for it so called it out. I specifically asked about my cervix (with you in my thoughts, mo!), looked good. And then she asked "What else are you worrying about it? Let me hear it. You can't hold it in, you gotta ask." Yeah, she rocked.
  
Dr. B. was again just so excited for us. She told us to keep in touch and let her know how things go, and to come back for Baby #2 someday. She gave me a big hug on my way out, as did her nurse in the hallway, as she muttered something about "now don't make me cry..." Her nurse drove me nuts at times, but her heart was always in the right place. Her admin had a copy of my records waiting for us to take to the OB, and also a package for collecting cord blood from the birth for their research (wayyyy too far ahead of me). Made a stop at the lab for the urine and blood draw, and WE WERE OUTTA THERE. God, it felt great to watch this place disappear in our rear view mirror for hopefully a nice long while. We went there for the specialized care, but the experience of the hospital setting was not so awesome. Won't miss it.
  
I am trying to come to grips with moving forward and doing what I could not allow myself to do or feel before today. I loved watching my husband excitedly text his family before we were even out of the ultrasound room (they knew already but were as anxious as we were for this milestone). I was so happy to report good news to a few kind souls who remembered my appt and sent texts and emails that they were thinking of me. I'm not yet about to shout the news from the front porch, but I've decided this weekend is the time to call my brothers and a few good friends. Facebook will happen...NEVER (I just don't ever post anything, no sense starting now with that landmine). Maybe an email to work as well since I definitely have a gut that is getting pretty difficult to hide. (I'm a smallish person with no boobs to camouflage it - my guess is still ~80% poop/bloat but have noticed the shape start to change to be above my belly button too versus just a pooch below it. Craziness, but actually helping my sanity, I must admit.) I also worked up the courage to pull out the pregnancy books that were purchased during pregnancy #1 and hidden away and replaced by miscarriage books after pregnancy #2. Baby steps, literally.
  
I am determined to appreciate today's good news, and that we have left our past troubles behind. I am far too aware that a whole new world of hurt could lie in front of us, and that cruelly and beyond logic this community too often seems to fall on the hard side of stats. It will not be easy for me to open my heart back up to the possibility of a child after suppressing it for so long. But I'm going to try. Slowly, gently, I'm going to try.