heard it. did it.

There's been so much running through my mind that I've wanted to share, and so much I've wanted to say to so many of you as support, encouragement or congratulations, but... somehow I can never find the time to sit still at this space. Work has gotten busy, I'm actually going into the office every day now, and plain struggling to keep up with it given my general lack of energy, sleep, and give-a-shit. Excuses, excuses, but just wanted you to know that I'm following along on my phone and keeping you all in my thoughts.
  
As for the latest...
  
We had our first appointment with the new OB last Tuesday. I had generally gotten myself so worked up with nerves over the prior week, and over the course of that day with a late afternoon appointment, that I was pretty frazzled. Like, I could hardly hold the damn pee cup my hands were shaking so badly. I didn't get the reassurance I really wanted from an ultrasound peek (I've been spoiled with these) but we heard a normal heartbeat on the doppler and I eventually convinced myself that it was enough to get through another week. 
  
So far I like this new office. Like I said, I was kind of a mess, shed tears to the nurse, PA, and doctor, in that order. And each of them took it in stride, didn't make me feel worse than I already did for being emotional, and showed compassion and understanding for what we've been through. The doctor has offered weekly dopplers as long as I need it, and booked us for appointments for both this coming Monday (tomorrow) and the following to help get me on track confidence-wise. Which was a HUGE relief. One of the reasons I chose the practice is that it's located in the same building as a large fertility clinic and my holistic fertility center, and I had heard they get a lot of their patients from there. I need to be norm, not the freak, with our history and fears. And so far they seemed to roll with my crazy pretty well. Score one for them.
  
Later that night after our appointment, I made a bold move. I announced my pregnancy to my office. Holy f*&$ it freaked me out. But I realized that the stress of actually being in the office now while feeling self-conscious of my (bloated) belly and avoiding contact and questions from those curious about my absence was worse than just putting it out there. And so I did it. I wrote and rewrote it several times before landing on this:
  
"I just wanted to share the news that my husband and I are expecting our first child in early December. We've traveled a hard road which is why you haven't seen much of me around the office lately, but we're excited for good things to come. Phew! (that's the sound of me letting out my gut)."
  
The desperately private side of me that cringes at TMI battled with my desire to soften the blow to anyone who might be struggling themselves, and also educate the naive that *poof* 39-year old women do not just wake up pregnant one day. I may regret it at some point, but right now I am feeling that it was entirely worth it for this reason: it touched someone. A coworker that has been an "office girlfriend" for a long time - occasional drinks, movies, girl talk, etc. but nothing deep - came to me to share her fears that she would have trouble after getting married in the fall, that they were over 35 and her fiance kept stressing her out with talk of "next year WHEN we have a baby." She wants to lay some groundwork this summer, get check ups, etc., and I was able to give her doctor recommendations and the knowledge that if shit goes wrong, she already has a support system in me, whenever she needs it.
  
And beyond that, I didn't burst into flames or get struck by lightening. It was actually quite amazing and emotional the outpouring of support I got. I've worked at this place for almost 8 years now, when it was only 15 of us (since growing to 60+) in close working conditions, and along the way many have gotten a glimpse into our struggles, even if just for a moment, by having the misfortune of being on my project during a miscarriage or other disaster. I was brought to tears by each kind word or knowing hug from the ones that GOT IT. There were a few ignorant comments and questions that made me cringe, but they were the minority which made it tolerable.
  
So this week my new mantra has been "act as if," aka "fake it til you make it." Announcing it to the office forced me to BE PREGNANT, to own this as real, even if I don't actually believe it myself, or am still too scared to think into the future. I was the slightest bit more sane, and I'll take it. But... I chickened out again this weekend and bailed on a family reunion today, I just couldn't bring myself to turn my mom loose on the phone tree and to "be" with it all day. 
  
Baby Tiny steps, I'm working on it. Crossing my fingers that this little heart still beats for our appointment tomorrow, as hard as it is for me to believe.