The night of our last appointment, the nothing-but-good-news first trimester screening, I made a few phone calls, and for whatever reason could not stop crying the whole time. Whether it was the relief of so much fear, the scary happiness of finally being able to share what felt like real news, who knows. I started with my mom and dad just to give the update, as they've been in on it all along, with my mom being my talk-me-off-the-ledge lifeline. My poor dad answered the phone and I was so emotional that he actually said "well, pull yourself together because your mom is going to want to hear all this too." I also called both my brothers, and found myself having to say "You need to ignore my crying because I swear I actually have good news to share for once."
After that, I thought to myself, this weekend I'll really start to "announce" this - to my friends, to work, to my extended family by turning my mom loose. But by 3 days later what little confidence I had after our last appointment had vanished. I felt panicked at every twinge and feeling, and utterly unsure of whether a baby was still thriving inside me, let alone if one would make it home in our arms in 6 months.
I have been in a paralyzed rut ever since. It hasn't helped matters that it took forever to get an appointment scheduled with this new OB, now finally set for this upcoming Tuesday, but a seeming eternity away for the past week. I found myself in the same mental pattern of "I don't know anything right now, I need to get to my next appointment to be sure."
I'm just not ready to embrace in my heart and mind that this pregnancy is real. I'm not ready to be "out" in the real world where people expect a pregnant person to behave in a certain way, excitedly chattering away about symptoms and due dates and plans.
No fewer than twice a day, every day for the past week, have I had
moments where I am utterly convinced that something is wrong, whether
from a weird cramp or something I convince myself to be intuition, and can barely keep myself from spiraling into panic. I'm
distracted and exhausted and on the verge of tears at most times. I find
myself wanting to hole myself up, lay low, avoid anyone who might notice my slightly growing belly and Just Get Through The Day.
I also feel like an a-hole being negative and complaining in this space, when I know that so many of you are dealing with much much worse. And I swear I'm not fishing for support, even though it has been wonderful to have it from so many of you -- I just feel the need to acknowledge that I get it, that I have "rich person" problems right now.
Anyway, that's the latest. As of this moment, I'm feeling the slightest bit more sane. I spent the day outside playing catch and chasing bubbles with my niece and nephews who I haven't seen in a month, and they are the best anti-depressants ever. Our next appointment is now less than 48 hours away, which is finally seeming manageable. Crossing everything we got for good news. Tuesday, I just gotta get to Tuesday, and worry about the rest after that.
ME TOO.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how much that helps, but literally everything you wrote, me too.
Maybe even a little bit worse, at least in the coping department. The first week I should have gone without a doctor's appointment (13 weeks, a week a half ago) I had a panic attack about returning to work from my cancelled vacation and needing to tell my boss. I justified going in to hear the heartbeat so I could confidently tell my boss. Only on Monday morning, my clothes still fit, I stared at myself for 10 minutes in the mirrow and decided I could hide it another week. Then this week, I decided I could go another week. I still haven't told anyone who didn't know right away.
Normal, healthy, crazy, or insane, it's where we are and I know it's hard to share sometimes, especially when you understand it is a 'rich mans problem' to put it simply (which I can also relate to) but your sharing helps me tremendously. As always, thinking of you.
I picture it more like a recursive building of confidence in a pregnancy, once someone has gone through IF/rpl, rather than a swithc on/off. And after the hell you've been through, well, I am not surprised to read about your crisis of confidence. I'm sorry you can't feel the unmeasured joy and exuberance of the fertiles (although it is clear that you are very happy). Perhaps your confidence will continue to build slowly and that's just what is. It's not being negative and complaining. You're expressing your fears, your well-founded fears based on past experiences. I look forward to reading about the OB appointment, and hope that it brings you a big dose of reassurance.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I cannot imagine how paralyzing your anxiety must feel...and how would you not feel panicked after what you've been through? Keep not telling people as long as you need to.
ReplyDeleteThere's no rule that says you have to announce to the world at 12 weeks just because you made it that far. If telling people makes it worse, then keep on letting people find out as they would naturally. My sister didn't tell extended family until almost the 3rd tri & some of them didn't know about our adoption until the day E arrived :) Looking forward to a great update after your OB appt. Knock on wood, etc etc. <3
ReplyDeleteHi! I've been reading for a while but I normally am a lurker - I just wanted to say that I think that what you're going through is completely normal and valid considering everything you've been through. I know that if I ever get pregnant again (and it sticks), I will be so afraid to go public. I'm sure it's a feeling that if you announce it to the world, that it then seems more real and could be taken away and that is SCARY. I am so happy for you and I wish you the best of luck in telling people. I agree with the comment above - there's no rule or law that says you have to announce it at the end of your first tri. :) Just do what feels right for you. When you've been through what you've been through, you get to make your own rules and no one gets to judge. :) Congrats again!
ReplyDeleteI was going to say what missohkay has already so eloquently stated. And add that I'm thinking of you and keeping everything crossed for your appt. tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteOF COURSE you feel like this! Past experiences have burned you, so you're just protecting yourself. It's hard not to panic after everything you've been through. You don't need the added pressure of feeling like you NEED to tell everyone. The truth is, you can wait to tell everyone until if feels right to you...even if that means way down the line. Forget the notion that you should tell at 12 weeks. Be selfish and watch out for yourself first. And hopefully once that pressure is off, you'll be able to relax a little and try to take in a little bit of joy each day. And remember, when all else fails, I'm only a few blocks away and willing to come distract at a moment's notice! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow.
ReplyDeletebest of luck tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteI chickened out too. I told immediate family but after that...I just stopped telling people. I couldn't, it was too scary. I feel you and don't beat yourself up about how you think you're supposed to be feeling or acting. I let my Mom tell extended family and I let my husband do a lot of the announcing. I couldn't bring myself to say the words - it felt like I was lying or tempting fate. Do you have a doppler to use?
Those post-appointment crashes are very, very real. They continued well into the third tri for me. Be kind to yourself. You have been through so much trauma--way more that I did, and I still had a very hard time controlling my panic. It did get easier as the weeks went on, though.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to be scared when you "announce," that's just a given. But you'll be less scared if you wait a little longer. Don't force yourself to because you think you "should" by now. I waited until after our first anatomy scar at 16 weeks. I know people who waited until 20. There were some people--like my neighbors-- I didn't announce to at all, just let them find out on their own as things progressed. Do what feels most natural to you at any given time.
You're doing great!
I felt exactly the way you did during my last pregnancy. The only thing that saved me was my doppler - I used it twice a day. (And would have crises of confidence in between those times!) Do you think that would help? It's also better once you can feel the little one.
ReplyDeleteGood luck today!