D Day

Today is officially our Due Date, but kiddo apparently hasn't checked the calendar and seems snuggled in tight. At my last appointment Monday all was still locked up tight, but have another appointment this coming Monday morning so crossing my fingers for SOME sign of progress.

Ever the headcase, I am a weird jumble of emotions. 

• I still can't quite get myself to believe that we (knock on wood) will have our baby in our arms sometime in the next two weeks. Nope, still can't actually picture it or commit my heart. 
• I'm in weird state of denial about how this kid will get out. I like to think this is somewhat healthy. I have no way to know or control how things will go down from here, so I'm just trying to go with the flow. And keep my head in the sand a bit. See previous bullet.
• The fear has returned in full force. Not all the time, but more than in recent months, I find my thoughts straying to what could still go wrong and break our hearts all over again. It's almost like being so close, so so close, is making me paranoid and desperate to get across the finish line.
• At the same time, I am in no hurry for this pregnancy to be over. I will miss having my buddy with me all the time, safe and sound and kicking away. (See previous bullet. Yes, I know I am crazy.) I've been pregnant for so long it just feels normal to feel and look this way, to essentially have a pass at conforming to any standard of beauty and fashion. I look ridiculous. So what.

As for the belly, it's gigantic. And unfortunately, I'm not just talking about mine! We had an ultrasound at about 37 weeks, and this kid was already estimated at 8 lb 2 oz. Say what?!? The ultrasound tech was sure to point out his big round belly and kept making cracks about him being a linebacker. And that was 3 weeks ago. And could keep cooking for who knows how much longer -- my practice doesn't induce before 41 weeks, and then waits until your doc is on the schedule at the hospital. 

Arriving healthy is all I care about... but I'd be lying if I said my thoughts haven't strayed to how difficult it's going to be to get this chunker out. What was that I said before? Going with the flow...

Back to my gigantic belly. It's big and round and sticks straight out, and invites mockery from all those around me. Even my 3 year old nephew simply pointed and snickered when he first saw me on Thanksgiving. Must be the combo of a big baby and old mom who has barely worked out in 4 years of IF/RPL hell, or possibly the optical illusion of its relative size to my still-super-small boobs. Oh well, just makes me laugh. Not like there's anything I can do about it! SO not my concern.

Monday is supposed to be my last day at work, based on using up all my vacation time before the end of the year. Would much rather have time off with bebe, so I'm kind of waiting to see what happens at my appointment on Monday to bring up the possibility of letting some of those days roll over to next year and working a few more days. I should probably just embrace the time off regardless. Sweatpants are definitely my preferred choice in clothing.

As for my to-do list, having made it this far, it's actually in pretty good shape. I feel like I got done most of what I wanted to before the craziness hits. (Hear that, baby? I'm ready!!)

So there you have it. And now we wait.

I'm usually pretty bloggy-shy, but I thought I'd share a couple of pics. First one is a belly shot from Thanksgiving (excuse the headless self-portrait), and the second is my favorite little basket of cuteness right now. We haven't set up a nursery yet (he'll be in our room), so this is one of many intermediate organization solutions. Love.