The ute… not so good after all

Our “make a plan” appointment with Dr. B got rescheduled, and we ended up going in yesterday. The quick indication from our last appointment was that the bloodwork was all normal, hysteroscopy showed my uterus looked good, and the only thing we were waiting on were the results of the endometrial biopsy.

I had prepared myself for the optimistic yet vaguely unsatisfying, “nothing is wrong with you so keep trying.” I had questions lined up about her feelings about doing more IUIs with injectables, what IVF could maybe tell us, etc.

All that went out the window with the words, “We found something. You have an infection.”

Diagnosis = Chronic Endometritis

Basically is an infection of the endometrium, the lining of the uterus. No outward symptoms, no way to have known without the biopsy. No way to know how long it’s been there, what caused it, or what exact impact it’s had on our history, But it definitely can be a contributor to pregnancy loss and infertility. Check and check. Common causes are miscarriage, invasive procedures, and delivering a baby. Check, check, and (fu, dr. google).

My head has been spinning ever since, retracing past events through this lens. My leading theories are:

• Was caused by our first miscarriage. I was the furthest along (10 weeks) and was certainly the roughest physically. I had cramping and erratic spotting for several weeks, and even months later I was having strange uterine pains, but another ultrasound showed “all clear,” no remaining tissue. But now I wonder about it, and if affected everything since.
• Was caused by our third miscarriage with the D&C. MC#3 is the only one with a known cause – chromosomal, trisomy 16. And it has been downhill ever since. A barely-even-got-started-chemical pregnancy in May, and now 6 (possibly 7) months of infertility.

But we’ll never know.

So what this means now… We wait to see if I am pregnant from this cycle. Which would be a very bad thing. Dr. B. furrowed her brow and said “I don’t know what we do then, I’ll have to think about it.” I can’t believe I’m now in the position of hoping for a BFN next week. I’m starting to really worry, especially since I was having such a good feeling about this cycle. Even with the hysteroscopy and cold and late ovulation, I was feeling more relaxed than I’d been in months, was not being so hard on myself with my pregnancy do’s and don’ts, had lots of well-timed fun in the sack, and part of me thought, “maybe this is our we-just-relaxed-and-then-it-happened” month. Supposed to get beta tested next Wednesday, holding my breath til then.

If I’m not pregnant, as soon as AF arrives, I’m supposed to start 2 hard-core antibiotics for 2 weeks (Oflox and Flagyl). And Dr. B. has warned me will not be fun – I will feel like crap and lots of potential for side effects. But after everything we’ve been through and what’s at stake, I can’t really muster up the energy to be worried about that. Bring it. I’ll deal.

Then wait for AF to arrive again. And schedule another biopsy around CD8-10. Assuming all is well, I’m not sure about when we can start ttc again – my brain was so overwhelmed, I never quite made it to that question.

I’m doing okay, lots of swirling emotions... I’m upset by the diagnosis. Worried about a BFP. Relieved that it was found. Hopeful that could solve all our problems. Skeptical that my age and shitty eggs will still be our doom. Sad for all the potentially perfect embryos who were lost because of my hostile uterus.

This is already a long post, but as for the bright side, Dr. B rocks. My love of her grew for several reasons yesterday:

• When they got my test results, they moved up my appointment to see me sooner. And did it in a way that I didn’t suspect a thing, and so didn’t get completely worried and freaked out.
• I started to get upset after she told us about the infection and there wasn’t any kleenex in the room. I found a stray single one in my purse, and made a dumb joke about “well I’ll just have to stop crying now.” And Dr. B replied, “This is a safe place for tears” and sent her nurse for kleenex.
• Made another dumb joke about a break month equaling tequila and a beach. And she sadly informed me that some of the fun side effects of the antibiotics include violent reaction to alcohol (it’s what they give recovering alcoholics) and extreme sensitivity to prolonged sun exposure. Also seeing that the 2 weeks fell over the holidays, she took a closer look at the calendar, and told me “If you really wanted to enjoy the holidays and treat yourself to some wine, you COULD wait to start the drugs on Jan 1.” Our chances for success are better if we start right away and is probably for the best that I will be off work over the holidays anyway, but was really human of her to suggest it.
• And of course the obvious one of actually FINDING the problem that no one else even thought to investigate. (I’m looking at you, Dr. RE#1.)

She understands our worry and eagerness to move forward as quickly as possible, and seems to be doing everything she can to work with us and make that happen. And that is all I can ask for right now.

Here’s to surviving the second week of my bizarro 2ww…