"I'm so sorry for your loss"

Dealing with the loss of my uncle and the loss of another pregnancy at the same time is proving to be painful in unexpected ways. I didn't realize how much it would hurt to hear "I'm so sorry for your loss" and to only have one of these losses acknowledged.
  
It hurt a little when a friend from high school noticed the obituary in the paper and send me a very thoughtful text. Although we are close, we don't live in the same city and I haven't wanted to fill our limited communications with my problems, so she lies on the other side of the knows/knows not divide. It made me acutely aware that one kind of loss gets published in the newspaper, and the other is held as a secret, too private to even share with a friend.
  
It hurt a lot when we went to dinner with some of my husband's siblings last night, and they were so forthright and inquisitive and sympathetic about my uncle, and did not give even the slightest acknowledgement to everything else we'd been through this week. And they knew.
   
My husband sends out the word of my uncle to his siblings? Within 30 minutes I had 3 text messages of condolences. He sends out word of our pregnancy loss? Absolute silence. And my siblings weren't any better - my mom told them earlier this week, and I haven't heard a peep from them.
  
We are close to our siblings. They know everything about what we've been through. During past losses, I wasn't really able to talk about it without getting distraught. But in the past year I've joined a support group and I blog and I've opened up and regularly talk about what's happening with us. I've even talked to them about how I understood, but that it hurt that they didn't reach out during past losses.
  
Their silence makes me feel ashamed. Their silence makes me feel like they don't have the slightest understanding of the magnitude of our pain. Or that our pain is so great, that it's too much to handle, that it makes them uncomfortable.
  
I don't want to sound whiny or ungrateful, or that I'm so self absorbed that I don't recognize the difference in these losses. Of course I recognize that the life of my uncle, all that he accomplished and the people that he touched in his 67 years, his importance to his family, completely and absolutely dwarfs our loss. But it's still a significant event to us, another heart-breaking and devastating setback in our quest for parenthood. 
  
I don't blame or hold it against any of them personally. (Well, maybe just a little in my wounded state, but I will forgive.) It just puts a spotlight on how poorly as a society that we deal with miscarriages and supporting women during early pregnancy. And makes me all the more grateful that I have this community of women (and some very special people IRL) who completely understand and know exactly what to say. I want the support of my siblings, but I need it less, having all of you in my corner.
  
I've loved reading the Bust a Myth posts (including this pulled-me-from-the-brink-totally-made-my-day rant about the stupid shit people say to you about miscarriages from mommyodyssey). But this one by Esperanza about miscarriages not being perceived as real losses is hitting particularly close to home. (Thank you to missohkay for leading me to it.) She wrote:
  
"For a woman miscarrying the pain is corporeal and emotional and visceral and very, very real. It is mixed with guilt and helplessness and confusion and a complete obliteration of hope. The added isolation that women can feel when they realize that their loss is not validated by others renders their pain that much more unbearable. When their loss is not recognized they endure yet another loss. It seems an unnecessary burden for someone who is already suffering so much."
  
Yeah. What she said.