Getting by / Test results

I'm doing... okay.
  
In some ways I think that all things considering, I'm doing pretty well. Functioning in most aspects of my life. Not feeling the out-of-control despair of past losses. Getting through most of the day pretty unemotionally.
  
But... I have a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning or off the couch on weekends. I can't seem to climb out of the hole of laundry, mail, emails, work, blah blah, that started to pile up as soon as I saw that second line. I'm having a really hard time finding my give-a-shit about most things. I can see outside myself to know that I'm showing some signs of depression, but who cares (ha! see I can still joke).
  
Hope is taking a pretty hard hit right now, especially since my follow-up with my OB last Friday. I went into it with the mindset of "no big deal, just a follow-up to the D&C" and to put aside my emotions - I didn't even have my husband come with me. I even survived the 30-minute wait in a packed waiting room of uber-preggos, blocking it all out. But that composure lasted about 30 seconds once I got in the room.
  
Unexpectedly, my test results were already in for the genetic testing of the "products of conception": normal karyotype, no chromosomal abnormalities. 
  
I instantly lost it. I know this must seem weird that this upset me - that should be good, right? Wrong. It means no answers. It means no absolution from all the doubt and self-blame of what **I** might have done wrong. It means we have NO F'ING CLUE why this pregnancy failed, or what we could possibly do differently to change our outcome.
  
I was so emotional, but my doctor was sitting in front of me, without the slightest impatience, trying to talk to me. So I pulled my head out of my rear enough to try to take advantage of it and ask some questions. He thought that it likely pointed to egg quality, which can manifest itself in other ways besides chromosomal. He gently expressed his concern about this working out for us, asked if we've thought about egg donor, etc. etc. To which I sobbed, "I just don't know how to give up." I asked about how crazy and illogical we were to be thinking about IVF - give my eggs a looksie and pick the best of the lot - and he thought some of the data against it was outdated, that maybe it could help us, at the very least we were not unjustified in exploring it. I expressed all my fears about what I could be doing wrong, and he vehemently reassured me that aside from taking some specific medicine, there was nothing I could DO to have caused this. He asked if I was getting the emotional support I needed, and suggested a therapist that specializes in loss.
  
By the end of the conversation, he was wiping away his own tears. Which just totally blew me away, to see such genuine care and compassion for us. Unfortunately our situation is not his specialty, there is only so much he can do.
  
And so it's back to Dr. B next week. I am very curious to hear her recommendations. This past loss is on her hands, so to speak. So no more dismissing my concerns and questions, no blaming it on my past care. 
  
I'm trying not to over-think it til then, but easier said than done. The fear of never having a biological child has been present since our first loss, but I always manage to push it down and focus on hope. But the fear is winning right now, and pressing on my chest like a weight. 
  
And I found out something that I wish I didn't know. My OB gave me a copy of test report to make sure I had it for my meeting with Dr. B. And it noted the gender. I can't even bring myself to write it here, it is too painful, and has made the loss very fresh and very real. 
  
Wish I could leave on a brighter note, but not seeing much bright side right now. Maybe tomorrow.