I've been having a hard time getting a post from my swirling brain into something coherent. [Warning, cheesy movie reference to follow...] Remember that scene in T.op G.un when Maverick is trying to get back into training after losing Goose, and the instructors will him with "Come on, kid. Get in there. Engage..."?
I've been trying to engage back into "real life" and make lemonade with this forced break. Would you like a glass of wine, ma'am? Yes please! How about some cured meats and unpasteurized cheeses? Sure thing! Another beer with that hot dog? Okay!
We've also been painting and renovating our home office that was water damaged last summer. We made a late call to go to Ireland in a few weeks for my husband's cousin's wedding (his parents are Irish and still have family there). Work is busy and I've been trying to embrace it and get in some extra hours. I've been making plans with friends - going to dinner, seeing a movie, having drinks. Still having down days, but doing my best to find some happy or at least fit in the things that I don't like to do while ttc.
What I realized the other day that surprised me is that I'm actually having trouble re-engaging with THIS world. I'm feeling pretty lost as to what is next for us, and I think has messed with my sense of identity in this space and certainly my ability to articulate my feelings. We're not TTC right now, not pregnant, not doing consults, not moving forward with adoption, not [fill in the blank]. I feel like everything is "been there, done that" in terms of reading the books and doing the diet and trying the eastern techniques (acupuncture, yoga) and it all didn't change sh*t. And while I've been reading along with all of you, it's mostly been in stolen moments on my phone which makes it hard to comment anyway, but even so I'm just having a hard time finding the right words. "I truly hope for the best for you but it might turn out really shitty" isn't exactly the comforting support anyone is looking for. So I'm sorry for being a bad bloggie friend :(
We saw Dr. B last week, and I will write another post to update on that. Even a week later, I just still haven't quite processed it, has put me into a mental purgatory/stupor of sorts. Short version is "more tests, don't give up yet, IVF is not for you." Huh.
I'll try to be less lame and re-engage soon. Thinking of you all...
I dunno. I kind of feel like, "I truly hope for the best for you but it might turn out really shitty" is perfectly fine. I guess, maybe not for the uninitiated, but in this little subculture of hell, why not? Isn't that how we all feel by pregnancy number [big number] with no baby? Can pregnancy turn out any way besides shitty? That's news to me.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I've been very engaged with lately has been the bottom of a wine bottle. And my dogs. Do what you gotta do to get through this.
I'm with C. - "I truly hope for the best for you but it might turn out really shitty" - sometimes that's just the way it is, and I think we all understand that better than most.
ReplyDeletebeen thinking of you and glad to see a post, even if you don't know what to say. you don't have to be working toward a baby to use this space - it can be mrs brightside's hotdog blog if that's what's on your mind! as for commenting, i always have a hard time commenting on non-RPL blogs. They finally get pregnant after 4 IVFs and 7 years and I'm all "Congrats. I really hope it doesn't die." It's the thought that counts. (I hope.)
ReplyDeleteHopefully, you just need some time to absorb all the pain that you have been through with this recent miscarriage. After our 4th failed IVF, it took me about a month to really be AWAKE again. Regardless, this is tough crap you are dealing with and sometimes our emotions are just in overload and we need spae from them and disengaging seems to help. I hope something happens soon that makes you feel alive again...be it as simple as a pretty sunset or as heartbreaking as the sense from somewhere that something will work out.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share this video about Tori Amos and her miscarriages, so maybe you will feel a little less alone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1tr8LLl6qM&feature=player_embedded
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard. Feeling disconnected and alienated from yourself is one of the worst parts. I'm so sorry you're in this place and hurting so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see a post and that you're hanging in. Don't feel bad about being a bad blog buddy, you do what you need to do to get through this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this hell. I hope that with time you feel connected again.
You are in my thoughts. What you are going through is so difficult. Giving yourself time and space to care for yourself is so important. Being disengaged and isolating yourself however can be a symptom of slipping into a mild depression. I encourage you to think about ways you might be able to reconnect so that you don't slip further and suffer needlessly.
ReplyDeletenice to see you back, even for a little bit. Don't feel bad about being away. I think you're doing exactly the right thing by going out and doing your best to keep busy. I'm only an email away if you need anything, and in the meantime, don't feel guilty. HAVE FUN! You deserve it!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I am glad to see an update for you - have been thinking about you so much. Maybe being a little disconnected at the moment is a good thing - your blog friends will always be here and ready to offer support. And certainly filling up your calendar is a great distraction for the moment. So is wine. And great cheese! Thinking of you and hoping all the best is yet to come...
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing okay, Mrs. B. It sounds like you are doing the very best you can to get through this in between time, which always seemed to be the hardest for me. It's hard to engage when you're not sure where you're going or what you're doing. Take care of yourself as best you can. Thinking about you.
ReplyDeletestill thinking about you...hoping things are improving...
ReplyDelete