#6. not looking good.

yes, you read that correctly. we are pregnant for the sixth time.
  
and before anyone gets too excited, or too jealous or pissed off that, yes, we got pregnant our first cycle kinda-sorta-trying again, things are not looking promising.
  
i'm feeling down and brain-dead and tired, so forgive my bullet timeline approach to catching everybody up here...
 - monday, aug 15 (about 1 week post ovulation). have weird cramping feeling. distinctly uterus, not later revealed to be gas. pronounced enough to catch my attention at work.
 - thursday, aug 18. get some spotting. i always get implantation bleeding, so mind starts whirling a bit.
 - friday, aug 19. have relaxing morning since hubs and i have decided to take day off. pee on a stick - negative. I'm okay with that since low expectations our first cycle back, but also suspect might be too early.
 - saturday. positive. but it's one of those store brands so i don't entirely trust it. (a fellow IF/RPL soldier gave it to me so she wouldn't be tempted to test herself while waiting for betas after IVF.)
 - monday morning. negative. what the.... but i bought the wrong kind, some rapid result bullshit that only works after your period is supposed to start, which would be tuesday. so i'm not reassured but dismiss it.
 - monday night. i buy my trusty FRER, get a positive. it's light, but it's evening, been drinking water, blah blah.
 - tuesday, aug 23. finally get up nerve to call my dr. only reason not leaving head firmly planted in sand is because my thyroid levels went wonky last time and figure i better check that out.
 - wednesday. pee on a stick again, first thing in morning, wanting to finally see a convincing positive result. but i don't, the line is there, but a little faint for comfort.
 - wednesday, aug 24. get first beta result. 75. that's right, 7-f***ing-5. i lose it on my poor acupuncturist who I had scheduled a session with right after hearing my result. the way i figure, the absolute LOWEST that a HPT would recognize is, say, 25, and that's probably pushing it. Which means if my hcg was at least 25 on saturday, doubling would put it at least 100 on wednesday. 
  
At that point, I tried to make peace with this not being it for us. Overall, I have been super calm through this pregnancy, and I vowed to keep some zen on, keep calm and carry on, and all that.
  
But then I started feeling pregnant. Super sore boobs. Weird gag reflex when brushing my teeth. Hitting the wall at work around 4p, feeling dog tired. And elevated temperature, which told me my body was still cooking something. Hope starts making an irrational sinister comeback.
  
Until now. Last night I had a weird restless night of sleep, like I always do right before getting my period. My energy seems to be fine today. Didn't gag on my toothbrush tonight. And just now my temperature is lower, even for being late in the day. f. me.
  
I have my next beta on Tuesday. (I made some bs excuse about not being able to come Wednesday to sneak it a day earlier - Dr. B does betas a week apart.) I am praying for a definitive result, one way or another. The limbo of last time really put me through the wringer. And I just hope to keep some semblance of calm until then.
  
The fact that we keep getting pregnant - sperm and egg collide and make life - but that life seems to end as soon as it hits my uterus, is really starting to freak me out. It has been since our 2nd pregnancy since we've even seen a fetus. Empty sacs and chemicals ever since. 
  
Deep breaths. Get through this week. Then deal with what's next.