Results (sort of), and Decisions (kind of)

Hello dear bloggies, sorry to be away so long. We've been on a break waiting for various tests and results and recommendations from our RPL doc. And I didn't realize how badly I needed this break til I was in it. We tried for almost a year to get pregnant this last time, which on top of everything we've been through, was just too long a run of constantly being on high alert 'must be perfect' fertile behavior. Work got really busy, and I kind of let it, since it felt good to get consumed by something other than elusive motherhood. I got a taste of our old life (B-RPL, as starfishkittydreams so eloquently put it) - working a lot, going out a lot, pretty much doing whatever the hell we felt like, without much thought to consequence. Amazing how time flies when you're busy and not constantly monitoring the calendar for what cycle day you are on.
  
So, here's the scoop on where we stand. After our last loss, Dr. B (the RPL specialist) wanted to look further into 3 areas:

• Thyroid - My TSH levels were elevated during my last pregnancy, so I've been on 25 micrograms of levothyr0xine. At 5 weeks pregnant it was 4.2 (ish); post pregnancy pre medication was around 2.2 (ish), and post medicine recent reading was 1.16. Dr. B wanted between 1-2, so was pleased with that. I'm staying on the meds, but I'm starting to worry is making me a little bit anxious/highstrung/restless, which is my tendency anyway so I don't really need any help in that direction. So I might ask her to reconsider my dose since should be in maintenance mode, versus lowering mode.
• Endometrial Function Test (EFT) - I had another endometrial biopsy which was sent off to be tested by Dr. Kliman at Yale. I'll try to explain more about that in another post, but for now some info is here. Basically looks at if hormones are communicating correctly to properly build your lining. My results came back stellar, no problems. And I'm a little comforted that the biopsy came after 2 really stressful weeks at work and 1 week of ridiculous behavior in Ireland. So if that shit didn't throw off my body's ability to build a perfect lining, all the little stuff I worry about controlling probably isn't going to make a difference, right?
• Testing of last pregnancy - Although it pains me to write this, my last pregnancy has now been confirmed as a normal female karyotype. Dr. B. obtained a sample from the hospital that did my D&C, convinced it was maternal contamination, but after all that the testing came back just last week to confirm the original diagnosis. Was the baby, not me. Which means no answers as to why the pregnancy failed. Dr. B. said that there can be problems with the embryo besides chromosomal abnormalities, so doesn't necessarily mean the problem is the oven, not the bun. (Which my friend who had a loss after doing PGD also conveyed from her doctors.) So, I'm trying to not let it wreck me. But was upsetting all over again.

So basically with the exception of the thyroid meds, we've been released into the wild again, to try on our own with basically the same regimen. No real diagnosis, no other meds, still recommending progesterone in 2nd half of cycle (even though EFT was fine).
  
For the first time ever, I'm not feeling impatient and crazed to start trying again. Before in my head our story was "bad eggs" which meant we needed more rolls of the dice to hopefully get lucky, and I wanted as many shots as possible in whatever short amount of time we had left. Now, I'm feeling discouraged and lost and without answers, and that no matter what we do, we are likely to miscarry again, and again, and again...
  
During my last conversation with Dr. B. she encouraged me to wait until I was really ready to try again. I don't know that I am - I've been off acupuncture, spotty on my prenatal, never got around to making that therapist appointment. Emotionally... hard to say. Some days good, others absolutely terrified at the prospect of being pregnant again. Just the hint of getting back in the game turned me into a raving bitch to my husband yesterday - got the wrong stuff at the grocery store, didn't ventilate his work area at the house, all the familiar paranoid pregnancy stuff. Maybe I need a month to gear up. Maybe I need to just frickin jump back in, times a wastin, what the hell.
  
At any rate, I better figure it out quick. CD8, time to start peeing on sticks and checking my hoo ha fluid and unromantically jumping my husband. We shall see.
  
Votes welcome, as well as any recs for OTC prenatals? Not sure I'm crazy about the one I'm on, would love to know if anyone has one they like that's not prescription.
  
Sorry again for being away. Thanks for coming back :)