and then there were none.

Apparently my uterus isn't the only place our embryos go to die.

  

Finally heard from the Sunshine Clinic this afternoon, after 2 days of anxiously watching my phone and bracing myself for news, all while trying to re-acclimate to actually being back at work for the first time since before Christmas. ("Oh, hey, where you been?" "Er [look at feet] I had to take care of some medical stuff so was working at home." Lame but vague enough that no one pressed.)

  

The embryologist broke the news that neither of our embryos made it to the blast stage, which was needed to biopsy a few cells for testing before freezing. They were still looking good on Day 3, and one of them on Day 4, but then they didn't advance any further, even after giving them an extra day. He kindly reassured me that even if we had frozen these embryos on Day 3, they very likely were abnormal and would not have gotten me pregnant, let alone been a take home baby.

  

I hate having to get this news at work all the time. I was trapped in a phone cubby, really needing a good cry but trying not to totally lose my shit which would be difficult to mask with a little powder and return to my desk. I finally snuck to the back stall in the bathroom, and couldn't help but think about how many days I have retreated to that very stall in tears, wanting desperately to just slip out a back door and go home. I managed to pull myself together finally, stare at my computer for a while, and then bullshit some reason for leaving early.

  

I'm feeling stunned and disappointed and hopeless. But at least if it wasn't going to work anyway, it's over now. Not 2 weeks from now when we'd find out the results of the genetic testing, not 2 months from now when we'd find out if the transferred embryo got me pregnant, not ?? months from now when I'd inevitably miscarry. How's that for a bright side?

  

Time for a regroup.