The WTF appt with the Sunshine Clinic

We had our follow-up phone call with Dr. Sunshine. I kicked it off by acknowledging that while we were terribly disappointed in the outcome of our attempted IVF cycle, we weren't terribly shocked. He agreed, that he was hoping for the best, but based on this cycle and our history we very likely are dealing with poor egg quality. Stupid eggs. Not much more to say there.
  
I asked about our work-up in October when the ultrasound tech was concerned that she saw fluid in my left tube, but I was basically told at the time "don't worry unless we tell you to." I had dismissed it, but then the tech asked about it again when we had our first monitoring appointment earlier this year and it's apparently an unresolved issue. Huh, guess I needed to worry. Not only could a blocked tube make it hard to get pregnant naturally, but the fluid could leak back into the uterus and cause implantation problems. So Dr. Sunshine recommended getting another HSG to be sure. I was a little pissed that we weren't told this earlier, oh like in November or December when we were picking our butts waiting for our cycle to start, but what can you do. So what I did was immediately call my OB, who returned my call personally and already got me scheduled to come in this Thursday. I've caught myself getting weepy and freaked out, worrying that they'll find fluid in my tube and require god-knows-what and god-knows-how-long to fix it, or that the mere process of getting the HSG puts me at risk to get another infection in my lining. But I'm doing my best to put my fears aside until I know if we actually have something to worry about, and am planning to ask for antibiotics as a precaution. I'm just tired of having things jammed up my uterus. We've been in this shit for so long that I'm having to lap back to the same damn painful tests...again.
  
I also decided to ask Dr. Sunshine about the recommendations from the immunology doc. I expected him to disagree, and I'm used to getting contradicting opinions by this point. But I was surprised by how passionately he disagreed. He described in detail numerous studies that have disproved the significance of elevated NK cells and its treatments, including one chaired by my RPL doc Dr. B., and that this position is supported by 1000s of doctors versus a handful on the other side. After the call my husband and I discussed this some more, and I've decided to keep taking the extra folic acid, but stop taking the pred.nisone. I'm torn between wanting to have tried absolutely everything and the nagging worry that something really is wrong, and feeling just too worn out to work with yet another new doctor (and effectively break ties with my existing docs) and too uncomfortable with the protocol. The steroid was already causing me to be restless and have trouble sleeping, and I just wanted to be done with it. I really appreciate the comments on my last post, and I mean no offense or judgment to anyone. As with everything in this journey you just have to go with your heart at some point. And that is what I've done. For now. We'll see. I'm already possibly waffling. No. Wait. I'm not. Maybe. Aaaahh!
  
Lastly, we talked to Dr. Sunshine about donor egg. He claimed their success rates to be like 80% versus 50% at our local clinic, and that they have a stable of donors basically ready to go once picked, just takes 6-12 weeks depending on how long it takes to get your cycles synced. As much as we like working with the Sunshine Clinic, if we go down the path of donor egg I just don't know if we'll be able to justify the extra expense and effort, but we'll see. My husband is ready and thinks this should be our next step, but I'm not ready. Not just yet. More on that for another post.
  
So there you have it. Seemed like a short phone call, but after writing it all out here, no wonder my head was set spinning once again. Now I just need to get through Thursday's HSG, and hopefully back into the ttc saddle soon. Turning off brain til then. Click.
 
*Later note: I'm feeling unsure as to whether I should have blogged about the immunology stuff. We all struggle with difficult decisions and being our own best doctor, and I try to make my blog an honest record of this journey in the hopes that it might in someway somehow help someone out there. The fact that there are such widely varying opinions on this topic is really bothering me, sickening me really, as if navigating all of this isn't hard enough. I had heard of all these things - NK cells, MTHFR - and already heard them criticized by my doctors before making the visit myself, so admittedly was probably predisposed to skepticism, and to be honest it's just too hard for me to face that it might be true, I'm so worn out. I was probably looking for the answer I wanted to hear. It's not my intent to spark debate on this topic, just know that I have the utmost respect for whatever paths you seek for yourselves. What am I trying to say? Oh, who the hell knows...