It is what it is

...and what it is, is 2, maybe 3 follicles. Shitballs.
  
Last Monday morning I went for my first ultrasound and bloodwork at my local clinic, and then we loaded up the car and hit the road for the Sunshine Clinic. A few hours later somewhere in Iowa I got the call with our results. It wasn't until I heard that we only had a few follicles that I realized just how deeply I had been praying for a miracle. Faithfully taking the supplements for 2 months (23 friggin' pills a day), doing the month of priming (more pills and stinky testosterone gel), trying to be patient and positive and healthy. Despite my claims of keeping my expectations low, some arrogant part of me didn't believe my FSH and AMH and AFC and thought that I would frickin' rock IVF. That we'd get lots of eggs, be able to do testing and hopefully pick out some cream-of-the-crop embryo and it would be THE ONE, and maybe even have a few in the freezer for a sibling some day.
  
All that came crashing down with that phone call. My stomach sank and tears sprang to my eyes. I felt like a fool and fraud to be going into IVF with such a poor response, that we'd made a series of flawed and emotional decisions, all of it a huge mistake. As the car barreled down the highway, I started panicking that we should just turn it around and head home, and save us the time and effort and money while we still could. If I was driving I probably would've pulled a U-ey right there, but luckily my husband was behind the wheel and just kept reassuring me, we've made this decision and we're seeing it through. An hour later we stopped for lunch and I still couldn't pull it together, could not stop crying. (You're welcome, Cul.vers.) Sure, I can blame some of my emotions on the drugs, but facing the reality that my fertility was so compromised, and so quickly deteriorating, just absolutely devastated me. It was only a year ago that I got 4 follicles on frickin' Clom.id alone, and now this? It was one those moments where you don't just feel the news at hand, you feel the weight of a long three years of shit luck.
  
Many more tears were shed the following days, I just couldn't get over it. Thursday morning we had an appointment with the genetics counselor to talk about our plans for testing, and I tossed and turned the night before, and had a long tearful conversation with my husband about our options. If we get 3 or more embryos, then our doctor recommends proceeding with the CCS genetic testing which biopsies the embryo on Day 5. If we get only one or two embryos, then he recommends doing polar body testing only on Day 2 and freezing on Day 3, since the risk of nothing making it to Day 5 and full testing is so great. Then, whatever we have frozen sits idle for 2 months (2!) while we wait for test results and then make a transfer plan with the doctor and prime my body for that. The thought of waiting another 2 months feels like agony, like we've already gambled so much precious time with this disastrous experiment, especially if we end up not doing the day 5 testing and know even less about the condition of the embryos we'd be waiting for.
  
But after some soul searching, I think our plan is that no matter how many eggs we end up with, we want to push for the Day 5 testing. It's arguable that any embryo that doesn't make it to day 5 probably isn't that healthy to begin with, and I can miscarry with shitty embryos all on my own, thank-you-very-much. I need to know that if we wait another 2 months for a transfer, that we'll be waiting for a strong little embryo that has made it over every hurdle and has the best chance of making it. 
  
And if we end up with nothing... I'm okay with that, too. At least it will be over and resolved and we can move forward with whatever is next. In that tearful Thursday morning conversation with my husband, I also told him that I want to more seriously pursue adoption when we get home, that my faith in my body is totally shot. Maybe we try on our own again for a while, get back to what we know, perhaps try some of the immunology treatments, but have a parallel path moving forward as well. And maybe in a year we reassess for donor egg or embryo adoption - but I'm not ready to seal our fate that it won't be a genetic child for me just yet.
  
Since Thursday I've been feeling better, no more tears. I've made peace with my follicles and feel like we have a plan for what comes next. I know it might sound weird to make plans for *when* this cycle fails, before we even know that it will. I don't know why it is, but a big part of recovering from disappointment for me is having something else to focus on, some constructive plan besides the spiraling thoughts of worry and failure.
  
So that's where things stand. Sorry for the rambling attempt to document the past week - a lot has happened, and I was just too out of it to get my thoughts down here amidst all the usual IVF bs of shots, pills, and appointments. Thank you for all your support, and I'll keep you posted on how things go. Retrieval is now looking like Tuesday. Positive thoughts til then.