But the past few days I've been feeling better, or at least "less bad."
Good god, is that HOPE? Don't I know that even if I manage to get pregnant again that my eggs are shit and are REALLY unlikely to turn into a baby 9 months from now? It's like the past 3 years have never happened - new cycle, new day, la la la. Makes me wonder if it's the particular hormonal cocktail at play right after ovulation that has given me this false (and certain to be short-lived) sense of peace.
I've had this line from the Princess Bride running through my head all day (by Count Rugen, mockingly, in his final showdown with Inigo Montoya):
Good heavens...are you still trying to win?
Apparently so, apparently so.
Aw hon, I'm so sorry that you are in this place. I've been there. I've posted before about this terrible regret and questioning every decision in my life, including my selection of husband. The sad truth is, though, that this is NOT your fault. That tons of women wait to get married and wait to start trying to have kids and they have NO PROBLEMS having kids. Two of my co-workers had their first kids at 35/36 and WAITED (voluntarily) until they were 40/41 to have their second and had no problems. It's just sh*t luck. And, anyone can have sh*t luck. Not just you. That's the really hard thing about this...there is nothing you could have done to prevent it and it's just unfair. And that is depressing. Just have hope that you will find a way to survive this. That you are defined by more ways than your ability to have biological children (not saying that you won't have them...just saying you aren't a failure in life if it is hard to have them). You have love to give to a child. You will find a way to do so. It's just going to be freaking harder than you expected to get there. (Running Mama from More Room in my Heart)
ReplyDeleteI adore the title of this post. I don't know how we do it, but the hope always comes back. Fingers crossed for your 2ww and beyond.
ReplyDeleteI also adore The Princess Bride and so I'll leave you with a different quote. TTC says: "Surrender!" Mrs B says: "You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept."
As much as we try to fight it. As much as we try to act like we're empty of it. As much as we honestly don't want to see it rear it's little head. There it is...hope. Here's to hoping that this is it!
ReplyDeleteBTW - My heart just grew to twice its size for you based on the sheer fact that you quoted The Princess Bride. At my wedding my bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the instrumental theme song music. Love.
Less bad is a huge start. I might have made different choices if I'd known my sister would go through menopause at 39, and find out that both of my aunts and grandmother were also early menopause peeps. But, I didn't. I have a friend who also waited voluntarily to right now for number two and had zero issues. Unfair, check. I also think that there are still miracles left out there and I will lay down the strong belief that yours will arrive soon. At my worst, I felt that we'd squandered our best chance ever, with almost no hope save the knowledge that it can work. Take a little faith and keep it close to help pull you up when you feel particularly low. I'm here to listen anytime.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how hope can come back alive so soon? I think it's your body's way of letting you know this is going to happen one day soon. Keep at it. It happens to others, we've all heard the stories of miracles, so why not us? :)
ReplyDeleteLove that quote! Perfect!
Hope is a nasty little thing, isn't it? But I think it keeps coming back around just to make us keep trying. If we didn't have it, we all would have given up a long time ago.
ReplyDeletenot sure if you have checked my blog lately...i posted a quick one today mainly because it made me think of you. i saw the photo and instantly thought of everything you are doing. i am SO PROUD of you for forging ahead, putting yourself out there and hoping. And for DOING so much to try and accomplish your dreams.
ReplyDeleteGreat quote and great attitude, Mrs B. I'm so glad that there's still hope alive inside and you're still fighting for your dreams. Keeping the hope alive for you over here, too. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are clearly made of very strong material, Mrs. Brightside. I'm glad there is something akin to hope growing within you, and of course, hoping there is something else growing within you right now.
ReplyDeleteThe Princess Bride is for sure one of my all time faves. What an apt time to remind yourself of it since a) it will make you laugh and b) it will remind you that even when you get the life sucked out of you, you can still come out on top.
Take good care of yourself.
I'm glad you've been able to find some hope. :) Regrets can just tear you up. Sorry about your recent depression/sadness/regretfulness stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis post gets 10 gold stars for quoting the greatest movie of all time.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad there's a little bit of hope, that dastardly devil, peeking through the sadness.
-Port of Indecision (because blogger is a fucktard and won't allow commenting via Wordpress or OpenID. Haters.)
The 2ww. Buckle up sister, the snows they are a comin'. Nothing like being shut up in the house with just your uterus for company. Sit tight. We will chase the worry away.
ReplyDelete(Your comment at Augusta's house was so right on about the adoption. Makes me insane. Rescue dogs? Yes. Humans? Educate yourself, you moron.)
I am a new reader who is in the midst of a struggle with RPL. I had my third miscarriage a week before Xmas (perfect timing, right?) and have gone through RPL testing with a diagnosis of "unexplained". in other words, "keep trying until you have a couple more than we will do PGD". I am in a tough spot mentally and your blog has given me a newfound hope. THANK YOU for sharing your story. You have helped me, and I can only imagine how many others as well. THANK YOU! And congratulations on your beautiful boy! What a journey - so happy there is a happy ending :)
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