Had HSG numero dos this afternoon, and relieved to say all is well. Both tubes clear, no fluid blockage. Hallelujah. Wasn’t the most fun thing in the world, but overall wasn’t too unpleasant and was FAST. My doctor did not f-around in there, confirmed the dye was flowing from each tube and called it a wrap.
I’ve become so dependent on my husband being with me for everything. I mean, before 3 years ago, I hadn’t had an escort to the doctor since I was a teenager. But ever since our terrible trip to the OB to confirm our first miscarriage, he hasn’t missed an appointment. But I flew solo today - was in the middle of the day far from my husband’s office, I knew from the last time that he wasn’t allowed to be with me, and I could easily take a cab straight home. But I was such a wuss without him there, making me laugh and keeping me from spiraling from worry ahead of time. Lying on the table waiting for it to begin I started to cry, and sheepishly apologized to my doctor, “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling very strong today.” To which he said something gracious like, oh, don’t worry, you don’t need to be. But I felt like an ass and hate that I’m feeling weaker, not stronger, in dealing with this stuff. Just walking to the hospital stirred up all the memories of the last few years, I swear it must be a form of PTSD, the anxiety and sadness it brings to the surface each time I face a remotely similar circumstance.
But at least today was good news, or at least not bad. And I’m effectively cleared for this cycle to go back at it, au naturale and on our own. I’m trying to find my zen but the reality is that this is likely my last shot at a genetic child. Assuming we’re still able to even get pregnant, one more loss and we’re done. My husband is ready to try donor egg already, but I need this last shot. I just do. That’s when it happens, right? Right before you were about to give up? Yeah, somehow I’m not counting on our fairy tale to go that way, but only one way to find out. Find my saddle, I’ve got to climb back on that horse. Giddyup.
Yeah. If it will happen now-that would be amazing. :) that's what im praying for. Strangely after my ivf- my cycles got more normal. I mean i have no positive pregnancy tests, but a 31 day cycle!?! So much better than what it was a year ago. Let's believe inour own bodies! They can do this!!! I dont want a second expensive ivf either! Xo
ReplyDeleteI hope you get just that; a fairytale ending to it all...
ReplyDeleteI had a twitter conversation once with several people about infertile-PTSD - we all agreed its real. Oh wait, one of us actually blogged about it. http://foxinthehenhouse.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/ptrsd-or-if-ptsd/
ReplyDeleteGood news on the HSG. I'll be crossing my fingers for your miracle.
I come undone on the exam table. The sad thing is that the Mr. used to come along and I found the appointments so depressing that I couldn't bear to bring him with me. Two tubes is good news and I have high hopes for au naturale. As you roll the dice, there is always odds to win. There has been anecdotal evidence that the HSG also increase fertility for the cycles after. Like a new color makes a sexy uterus? I am willing all forces to line up here and start reversing the accumulated mental trauma.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that there is some form of PTSD with IF. I know I felt it after the ectopic. Glad that the tubes are all clear and ready to go...like Misfit, I have heard that fertility increases the next few cycles after an HSG. Hoping that the perfect spermy meets a perfect little eggie SOON.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs.
Yes, I totally have exam-room PTSD, too. Calling my RE's office is fine--they're just so darn nice--but ultrasounds are awful.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your tubes looked great and it wasn't too long/painful a procedure. Your husband is a sweetie for coming to appts. We always have major scheduling conflicts. Sorry yours couldn't make it to this one, though.
I am crossing everything for you for your next pregnancy to be the one. (hug) if you're a hugger.
Nice, I'm glad your tubes are clear! I am hoping this is your time. Bring on the fairy tale I say.
ReplyDeleteI cried right before my HSG too. And I am SO not a crier. I was just sooo nervous, plus it was being performed by a hospital radiologist with the personality of a dead fish.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the results were good and you made it through your appointment without your husband there with you. *hugs*
Crying or losing it from time to time does not equal being weak. It's just being human. You're strong because you ARE grabbing that saddle and getting up on that horse, even though you're scared (and most likely exhausted) to do so. I'm glad the doc was quick and that the tubes are clear, and I hope that you do find your Zen to try again this month.
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