Cooties be gone!

Got great news today!!

  

Woke up, dutifully POAS, and *crap* - LH surge. Already. On CD12. With still no word from the doctor on my test results.

  

Left a totally pathetic message with the nurse (“if there’s any way you could check on my results pretty please”) and headed to work. Watched my phone like a hawk all day, and finally got the call just as hope was fading…

  

All clear!! Chronic endometritis is history!! No more uterus cooties!!!! (name a la barfingrainbows)  

  

The nurse was so nice, telling me how excited she was to get the fax and call me. Huge, huge sigh of relief that the drugs did their job, and sugar on top is that we get to try this cycle. We’re back, baby!

  

I’m hoping this is a sign that our luck is turning. Is certainly the news I needed to change the meaning of this week. Two years ago this week, I had my first ever ultrasound and saw a perfect growing embryo with a heartbeat, only to start spotting a few days later. One year ago on this date exactly, I had an ultrasound for pregnancy #3, found an empty sac, and had a D&C the next day. And just this past Monday the 24^th was the EDD for my last pregnancy (I had held out forever without calculating the exact day, and finally broke down this weekend, I just had a feeling).

For the first time in 2 years we are out of the shadow of a failed pregnancy, but bittersweet to realize that we have gone this long without getting pregnant again.

So here’s to a fresh start. Going to try to cling to that for a little while, before the crazies surely creep back in.

“What a beautiful sample”

Apparently I give good biopsy. My doctor couldn’t stop admiring the sample. (Though I suppose it speaks more to her skills than mine...) 

She even asked me if I wanted to see it. Um, no thanks. Seeing as how I can’t even watch when I get blood drawn, and was at the moment still lying there with a cold washcloth on my forehead trying to get the room to stop spinning, I declined.

The procedure was not fun, but at least was over relatively quickly. (And just for Misfit Mrs. -- no tulips today, but a lovely cloud and butterfly scene instead, with additional butterflies stenciled on the ceiling tiles. The cloud started turning all psychedelic on me, which is how I knew I was getting a little wiggy.)

As for this cycle, we may get in the game yet. When Dr. B. asked if we wanted to try this cycle, I was like, yes please! But when I told her that I got my LH surge on CD12 last month, and my CBEFM had already ticked over to High Fertility, she shook her head sadly, and said that it probably wasn’t going to work out for us. The test results usually take 3-4 days (um, not the week and a half previously reported, but whatever), so I was like, well, maybe if you call me RIGHT away, maybe, maybe it’ll work out. 

And then in a rock star moment, she said, well, let’s just put rush on it! A rush, indeed! Hells yeah! So I’m not getting my hopes totally up, but at least I know that everything that could be done, has been done, for getting things moving forward for us. Now, we just need to keep our fingers crossed that the antibiotics did their thing and the infection has gone bye-bye.

So I’m feeling glad that I didn’t act like a total dipshit the first half of this cycle, and for the most part was keeping up with my healthy-so-I-don’t-second-guess-that-I-did-something-to-kill-my-baby habits.

Short term plans include obsessively watching my phone and the CBEFM for the one-eyed monster, then hopefully onto a 2ww!

Back, but not in the saddle just yet

It’s amazing how fast two weeks can fly by, when they’re not a 2ww!

The first week was lost wallowing in non-news, the second in a flurry of work. (Which unfortunately forced my blog-reading to my phone, so my apologies for not commenting, but know that I’ve been thinking of everybody!)

The ambiguity of this next cycle was starting to get to me, so I put in a call to Dr. B right after my last post. The conversation with the nurse left me only more confused, and sad and frustrated to boot. It didn’t seem like that complicated of a question: is there a chance that we’ll be able to try this next cycle or not? Long story short, I couldn’t get a straight answer on what the plan would be, or if we’d have any chance of getting test results back by the time I ovulate.

It was frustrating that the nurse just didn’t seem to understand why this was an important question. That mentally preparing myself for a break month looks a whole lot different than preparing for a month of trying. Maybe it shouldn’t, but the reality is that it does.

If it was going to be a break month, the idea of more waiting was hard to stomach. But if I knew with absolute certainty, then I could at least make the most of it -- get some home improvement projects done, take that long overdue vacation, plan a few benders with girlfriends.

But no such luck. More limbo. Head stuck back in sand.

  

But at least AF made a right-on-time appearance on the 16th (a tiny bit of good news from my body, which I’ll always take). Called back the nurse, and got my biopsy scheduled for this Monday the 24th. So I’m trying to look forward to it as a chance to get some information and plan our path forward, and focus less on my anxiousness over the pain of having part of my uterus scraped out.

So that’s my update. Other than that I’ve just been feeling sort of numb, sort of detached. And in kind of a good way. The sadness and longing is always there, but has felt less raw this month, being on the bench. Been trying to focus on other things, stay busy at work, be happy, feel healthy, laugh. Squirreling away whatever positive energy I can find, for the darker days that inevitably lie ahead.

Will report back after my appointment Monday. Until then... GO BEARS!!! SUCK IT, PACKERS!!!

(I love me some Bears football. Will be the perfect distraction til Monday!)

Ding dong, the drugs are done

Took my last dose of antibiotics yesterday! 14 days, done and done.

Overall wasn’t too terrible. Didn’t feel great most of the time, but at least didn’t have any, ahem, “violent” episodes or allergic reactions. Took a probiotic and tried to eat yogurt between doses, per the recommendation of my acupuncturist (helps restore the “good” bacteria being killed off), so maybe that helped?

I finally put my finger on how I felt most of the time: Hungover. Nauseated, lethargic, woozy, achy, kind of stupid like was still drunk from the night before. It’s telling that I finally figured this out while... sitting in the drive-thru at Taco Bell. With the bag from McDonalds sitting on the floor of my car from the day before. I wish I was joking. Grease, baby, grease! I definitely had to eat frequently – an empty stomach was not good.

I fulfilled all my holiday obligations (i.e. things that required me to leave the house), but took advantage of all the couch time I could get. Hey, it was cold and crappy in Chicago, might as well stay curled up under a blankie, unshowered, still in pajamas, when you get the chance, right?

I wasn’t too motivated, but did manage to do a major purge of my closet, file cabinets, and many many storage boxes. I’m feeling unusually apathetic and unsentimental these days, which may not be the healthiest mindset but sure is good for saying adios to yer crap. I definitely feel lighter.

In other news, even though not trying this cycle, I decided to use my fertility monitor to have a clue when to expect my period and just see what my body was up to, especially since had such a wacky last cycle. And Hello! One-eyed monster made a very early appearance at CD12 (vs. CD19 last month). So hopefully back to my ~28 day cycle.

Our next steps are to wait until I get my period, then call to get follow-up biopsy around CD8-10. I’m not clear whether we’ll be able to try that cycle, was just too much happening at our appt. But of course my early ovulation has me worried that I wouldn’t get my biopsy results in time, and poof, there goes another month. I think I’m going to call Dr. B’s nurse tomorrow - the uncertainty is starting to make me a little neurotic so better nip it in the bud.

I think the break has been good for me. Is surprisingly a relief to not be in a 2ww right now, analyzing every pinch and twinge, paranoid that everything I do or eat or breathe will screw me. I’m doing a yoga/cleanse this month at my holistic fertility center, so hope to be in fighting shape, both mentally and physically, and back in the game very very soon.  

2011. Reset.

The new year represents a fresh start, for better or for worse. Besides the obvious (better = healthy baby; worse = more heartbreak, tears and sadness in ever new and surprising forms), my next cycle represents a new beginning in ways I’m not so crazy about.

The past 2 years can be seen as a sort of progression, a series of failures that prompt the next action, “well, that didn’t work, let’s try this instead.” Maybe its the engineer in me, but it’s all a big, bizarre science experiment.

Except my diagnosis of chronic endometritis now throws the past who-knows-how-many months of trial and error out the window. I’m working with tainted data.

The day I got the news also happened to be my 38th birthday (good times). Months earlier, sitting in the REs office following our last miscarriage in May, I started to put together a mental timeline. We’ll keep trying on our own until I turn 38, and by that time I’ll either have had another miscarriage or (less likely) be out of the first trimester of a pregnancy. I was sure of it, and had good reason to be based on our history. I even stored up my vacation time, assuming I’d need the time off to recover from miscarriage #5 (hence my having these days off at the end of the year). And then, we’d make some big decisions about moving on to more aggressive measures -- IVF w/PGD, donor egg, adoption.

But then I stopped getting pregnant. And we have no way to know why. Was it because of the endometritis? Or because of my crusty old eggs? Or something else not even on the radar?

So when we are cleared to try again (fingers crossed will be next cycle), we’ll be right back where we were in May, only older. Trying again on our own, seeing what happens, hoping to get lucky, until... I just don’t know now. 

So for now in 2011, I’m making no plans, setting no expectations. I certainly didn’t expect 2010 to go this way. Another year has come and gone. Another birthday has come and gone. Another Christmas Eve has come and gone, marking the 2 year anniversary of our first ever BFP, yet another slap in the face.

Not sure if can be attributed more to wisdom or weariness, but going to try to ignore the calendar, and take each day as it comes. No pressure, no milestones, no deadlines.

C’mon 2011. Let’s see what you got.

“That was like taking a bullet”

There’s a scene in the first SATC movie, when the girls are on Carrie’s non-honeymoon, where the waiter refers to her as Mrs. Preston. Her reaction: “That was like taking a bullet.”

  

I always think of this whenever I get one of those side-swipey, out-of-the-blue zingers that bring all the pain to the surface.

  

My housekeeper was here on Monday, and she was admiring the holiday bouquet on my table. So I respond with more small talk, “Oh yeah, I’m really glad I got that to spruce up the place, since we decided to not get a tree this year. Decided to skip it since we don’t have...”

  

She finishes my sentence with “...kids.” As I finish it with it with “...any holiday parties hosted at our place.”

  

She continues with “People with kids put up Christmas trees.”

  

Not one, but two bullets right to the chest.

  

I don’t know what it looked like from her perspective, but I just stopped talking, turned around, walked to my bedroom and shut the door.

  

I was having a good upbeat day, had just finished working out, was motivated to tackle some home projects. But just like that, my heart sank and I was fighting tears for the next hour, feeling terrible about myself and our situation.

  

And I think on top of the sadness I felt ashamed. And called out somehow. I think because of who she is --- a relative stranger that has this bizarre access to our intimate life, that I felt so violated. She tends to be a bit gossipy and indiscreet to begin with, and cleans the homes of several of my coworkers, that I already cringe at what she must think about us and what (oh the horror) she might ever say to others. I run around like a maniac before every time she comes, putting away the prenatal vitamins, pee sticks, fertility yoga dvd, pregnancy/miscarriage/fertility books, insurance paperwork, and on and on.

  

She is not someone who matters to me, and it shouldn’t matter what she thinks. People are going to say stupid shit, and I should be used to it by now. I had half a mind to tell her to take a hike, but for now the luxury of having one less thing on my plate (e.g. cleaning toilets) outweighs the pain of having her here.

  

I finally pulled myself together, and left the house to meet my husband and some of my in-laws. We did a little shopping and went ice-skating at Wrigley Field. I actually enjoyed the frigid cold air, like shock therapy to my system. So for now, have healed from those bullet wounds, until the next inevitable surprise sniper shot.

On with the drugs

AF took her sweet ass time, but finally showed up with a vengeance on Monday. Just long enough for me to lose patience and freak out and take another HPT Sunday night just to be sure. 38 day cycle, which is crazy long for me, and giving me crazy-bad cramps, but at least can stop waiting and start moving forward.

Started my antibiotics yesterday - Oflox 400 mg and Flagyl 500 mg - 2 times a day for 14 days. Let the fun begin!

So far feeling okay, side-effects wise. Had trouble sleeping last night, which on the surface isn't a big deal, but is dangerous when have so many bad thoughts lurking in dark corners, just waiting to run free in an empty sleepy brain. I do much better when heavily distracted.

Also feeling a little goofy. Barfing rainbows warned me that she felt like she was working on 3 beers the first few days of the drugs, and I gotta say is an apt description. So once again it's like I am blogging while drinking ... apologies :)

My office holiday party last week brought a few dicey moments -- an acknowledgment of all the new babies (including two born within a week of my mc#2 edd) and an end-of-year video slideshow full of days that I'd rather not remember, and moments that I missed completely due to my now-hermit-like existence. But I really do love my job and my coworkers, and a few drinks in I felt like my old fun-loving care-free self. I even danced. I can't remember the last time I danced. A spontaneous goofy dance party broke out, and I jumped right in. I could literally feel certain muscles pulling and straining from not having been used for so long.

Went out Saturday night too, and had a family xmas gathering on Sunday, and it felt ridiculously good to hold a glass of wine and clink glasses and feel the sweet release of a buzz. It felt deliciously... normal. To feel connected and social and happy, instead of cowering in corners, self-consciously empty-handed and avoiding potentially-painful small talk, preferring to be invisible.

Have had a few bad days since getting news of the infection. Discouraged, frustrated, sad, impatient... the usual suspects. But don't feel like dwelling on that today.

May be away from the computer as xmas shenanigans heat up, but I'm hoping for a wonderful holiday for everyone, full of peace and void of sadness, at least for a few days.

Cheers!

***

p.s.
If you ever want to feel better about not having children, go to a Toys R Us a few days before Christmas. Egads. I could not get out of there fast enough.
and...
If you ever want to feel better about an alternative path to parenthood, watch the Home for the Holidays adoption special on CBS. I'm 5 minutes in, and already sobbing. I remember seeing this special many years ago, and it stuck with me like few things do (even then, wayyy pre-fertility issues). I don't know what the future holds for us, but watching this is a good reminder for me that there is more than one way to create a family and find happiness. (Hmm, a little heavier on C-list celebrities and lighter on stories than I remember... oh well, still inspired!)