So I’ve learned something about my reaction to news in this journey:
- Good news or even neutral news: Highly reassuring and clung to for dear life, the basis of all future hopes.
- Bad news: Off-a-cliff devastation and certainty that we are completely and absolutely screwed, no hope in sight.
When living in an information vacuum in the mystery-land-o-infertility/rpl, and in an ever-fragile balance of sanity, I think any news takes on disproportionate weight for me.
Not that this is shocking or even mildly surprising. But sometimes I am psycho and like to take tests that I’m pretty sure I can pass, just to get that little boost of reassurance.
Everyone once in a while I get a free “fertility test” in my fir.st re.sponse hpt or opk packs, which supposedly checks for elevated FSH levels. My levels have always been normal, both by bloodwork and these pee sticks, though my memory/records of how long ago that’s been is fuzzy.
So this morning on CD3 I decide to take one of the fertility test pee sticks. If the two lines look the same weight or the bottom one is darker, it’s a sign of elevated FSH. And f*** me, my lines looked almost identical. MAYBE the top one was slightly darker, but was probably my wishful thinking more than anything.
And hence I start to freak the f*** out.
As I’ve said from my first post, my darkest place has to do with us having waited too long and running out of time. The thought that what precious time we have is quickly slipping away, terrifies me and sends me spiraling. I spent the whole morning crying in bed. Not just over this stupid pee stick, but over everything we’ve been through, how my heart shatters at the thought of not being able to have a family of our own.
I know that I can’t rely on this stupid pee stick. But it also isn’t without any credibility in my mind, given they seem to nail the whole pregnant/ovulation thing. And I already know that my AMH number sucks, so is valid to be worrying about premature ovarian failure.
I know that I need to get this tested with bloodwork before I lose my shit, but will have to wait til next cycle. And even if it is elevated, it is what it is, and I’ll have to move forward and deal with it, like everything else.
But it’s making me even more inclined to schedule that consult with a new RE in spite of Dr. B. -- I already planned to do it before 3 months, but was kind of looking forward to a month with no dr appts. Also makes me even more pissed off at her for showing such disrespect toward my feelings of urgency (you don’t even know the half of it).
But right now, today, I am trying to re-focus on being at the start of a new cycle, a new opportunity for things to magically work out and all the fears to just slip away. I need to get centered and calm and healthy to give my ($*%&#) body the best chance I can to do its job well. I’m working on it.
I've read that those tests are really inaccurate! I wouldn't put much stock in it, but I know ANY test result that comes back less than perfect is like a dagger in the heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're dealing with all the stress of impending testing and appointments and everything else, but you are so good to focus on this next cycle and the positive vibes a new cycle can bring. Thinking of you.
Hey there. Sorry for my lack of commenting. I'll tell you this: do not freak out. Wait until you actually get *real* test results with *real* numbers. And, even if they are high, it ain't over. Go to a High FSH board and you will see lots of BFPs. Also, don't beat yourself up over not starting earlier. There are plenty of people that start trying at your age and have no problem. You couldn't have known this was going to happen. This is totally unfair and undeserved. I have the same feelings sometimes...and get so mad at myself and full of regret. But, then, I look at my coworkers who had their first kids in their mid-to-late 30s and their second kids in their early 40s. They never felt bad about waiting...because it worked for them. They got lucky. You didn't. It's not something you caused.
ReplyDeleteStep away from the pee stick. It's easy for me to say it, but try not to focus too much on the damn pee stick. Until a doctor/bloodwork has confirmed anything, it's not definite. And even then, there are solutions.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better to go see a new RE before the 3 months are up, I say do it! It has always helped me to have a plan, regardless if I follow through with it or not. Sometimes knowing you are working towards a solution is enough to calm the anxiety/mind for a little while.
Hang in there! I'll be thinking about you.
I totally get the dark place you are talking about. I feel like time is running out too and I blame myself, my husband and end up just fuming with regrets.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the pee stick I have to agree with the others. I would try to see the new RE a bit early and share your concerns.
Ughhhhhh, stupid pee stick. First, I know in a dark time it's impossible NOT to read a ton of meaning in that test, but those things are no made to measure FSH. Seriously. Second, even if your FSH were high, that is not a deal-breaker. So many bloggies have high FSH and get knocked up and deliver healthy babies.
ReplyDeleteThird, oh man, I think this is the double-edged sword of a break month. On the one hand it feels wonderful to not have the stress of doc appts and taking pills and injections and just living your life. On the other hand, it feels like an eternity before you can actually "do" something about making a baby. So. HARD!
I say no harm in making a consult appt with an RE, so you feel like you are making some forward progress. Of course, the awesome thing is that you and hubs can definitely still try on your own and it may just WORK. So, on the upside, no matter what you decide, you ARE in the game this cycle.
I'm thinking about you my friend. xoxo
Yeah, I think those tests are really, really not accurate. Try not to put much stock in it. For peace of mind, it might be a good idea to get a blood test next cycle on CD3 to find out where you're at and hopefully you'll find that there's not much change from your last test.
ReplyDeleteMy FSH is around 11, which isn't good, esp not for a 26 year old (the last time my FSH was tested, I'm 27 now). And I'm nearly 30 weeks pregnant. FSH is an indicator of what's going on, but high FSH definitely doesn't mean that it won't be possible to get pregnant.
I think a consult with your RE is a great idea, if you can get your FSH tested and have the consult a few days later so you can talk about possible next steps?
I think it is a great idea to go ahead and schedule a visit with the new RE. It certainly cannot hurt. And as nice as a break from doctor appointments would be, you are still worrying about it and maybe/hopefully this could give you some peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you and hope things look up with the new cycle...
I am right there with you. I literally lose my breathe when I think of the time we are spending with no results all the while I'm getting older and older. It's so hard to feel like so much of this is out of our control. Sorry the break from doctors isn't working out like you'd hoped. I know it's so hard.
ReplyDeleteThose pee sticks are EVIL. Seriously, I really think they serve no purpose except to get women agonized about fertility and then buy more first response products. So sorry that it made you freak out! I would have had the same reaction (even though - when it's not me - I don't think it is necessarily a cause for concern at all!). Hope the RE testing is reassuring!
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