Perfectionist Tendencies

I’ve heard it said that procrastination is a common trait of perfectionists. And that may be part of the reason I find myself in my current fertility mess, desperately worried that everything we're doing now may be too little, too late.

I’ve been with my husband almost 15 years now. We had decided a long time ago that he was for me, and I was for him, and that we would get married and have kids and live happily ever after. But we were young and living in Chicago and wanted to enjoy this phase of our lives, before moving onto the next. It was easy for the years to fly by: working a ton of hours, going out every weekend, living with my girlfriends, traveling. Most of our friends and siblings were unmarried or without kids, and it just seemed natural.

It was never a question of wanting kids. I've always pictured my life with them someday. I can remember as a little girl, if my mom made me mad for some reason, swearing that when *I* was a mom some day, I would NEVER do that. (Yeah, right.) I've always had demanding jobs, but even in my early 20s would catch myself worrying, how could I possibly do this and be a mom? So a part of me was always scheming how some day I would find the perfect situation to maintain a rich, fulfilling career and have plenty of time to be with my kids. Some day. Later.

It didn’t help our pace to parenthood that I was totally missing the bride gene. The idea of planning a wedding terrified me. I’m not a center-of-attention girl, and I had absolutely no visions of the perfect ring, perfect dress, perfect place --- my mind was blank. But surely, I thought, as I got older and got to know myself better and developed my tastes and went to other weddings, I would figure it out and be able to pull together a perfect day. Some day. Later.

It also didn’t help matters that my husband, we’ll call him Mr. B, is not a planner. Maybe because he grew up with 3 sisters, he never had to do anything and things just got done. Parties, dinners, birthday presents...weddings, marriages, children, he thought these things just happen somehow, without conscious decisions and effort.

When I turned 30, I started to hear the faintest clock ticking. But I was too proud to beg, and the delusional romantic in me thought that surely he had something planned for our engagement, just right around the corner. By the time I turned 34 pride flew out the window, and I told Mr. B that we were going ring shopping.

Finally, in July 2008, we were married, and soon after began trying to start a family. (Well, after that trip to Singapore for work because I didn’t want to be pregnant for that...). So began the heartache of 4 miscarriages and most recently 5 months of infertility.

And so here I am. I’ve had many sad and painful moments these past 2 years, but by far my darkest place is Regret. Why did we wait so long. Why did I not swallow my pride sooner. I knew that waiting could lead to problems, why did I not try harder to make my husband understand that. What the hell did I think was more important than this?

I am so scared that I’ve already lost my chance to have a family, and that I will spend the rest of my life regretting everything that led up to this point. It keeps me up at night and burns a hole in my stomach and I can’t even begin to figure out how to forgive myself.

So there you have it. I wanted to get my most pathetic crap out of the way first, so that hopefully this blog will be filled with optimism and hope and sunshine and butterflies. I’d been considering this blog for a while now (thanks to my dearest Egg), but of course put it off - what would I call it? what if it sucks? (you know this drill by now...) 

But I've finally pulled the trigger. Finding this community of IF bloggers has been a godsend and has gotten me to a much better place. I hope that in some small way, sharing my experiences can pay it forward and help someone else in their struggle to have a baby. And that it will help me begin to heal and give me the strength for god-knows-what's-next.

Thank you for your support :)