More bad news today

Has been a busy two weeks since our visit to the Sunshine Clinic. I worked my way down our list of to-dos for them - requested reports for my past mammogram and pap, got additional bloodwork, got an annual exam, sorted out my out-of-town monitoring situation. On top of all that, has been super busy at work, including some travel this week. And somehow I had found my emotional equilibrium again, through some distance, denial, and distraction mostly. But just yesterday I looked up at the calendar and realized how much time had gone by, and how we hadn't heard anything yet. I sent an email last night to our nurse, outlining everything they should've received and asking when we should hear back about results. And I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach, starting to brace myself for getting more news.

  

We barely use our home phone, and the answering machine fills with marketing calls and wrong numbers so we pretty much ignore it. My husband happens to hit the play key this morning, and my heart stops as I hear our nurse relaying our results. (Which I still can't quite figure out, I didn't even think we gave it to them.) I scramble to grab a pen and have my husband replay it. Lots of numbers, lots of normals. Except one.

  

My AMH is less than 0.1. A year ago it was bad at 0.6, now it is practically non-existent.

  

I lose it. I fall to my knees and start sobbing. My husband is trying to figure out what I'm even upset about, but I can't stop crying. Like, wailing, hysterical sobbing. For a full 30 minutes I can't pull myself together. And all day long I keep losing it over and over again.

  

I feel more down and full of despair now than I did with our last pregnancy loss. The apparent sudden and drastic demise of my ovarian reserve leaves me breathless. Our situation is feeling terribly hopeless right now, and that I will never hold a biological child in my arms. I know there are other ways to build our family, but I just can't be comforted by that right now.

  

We have had some dark days in these past 3 years, but right now I am at a low that I haven't seen in a while.

  

It all just hurts so badly. I just can't seem to stop crying. 
  
[*Postscript: Wow, sorry to invite you all to my pity party. How pathetic. What can I say, it was a very very bad day for me, but I'm rebounding, as we always do...]