Blogiversary and the latest

Sorry for my pathetic last post and thanks for all of your support. You'd think I'd be used to bad news by now?
  
I'm back on my feet, but has been an eventful 2 weeks since then, during which time I've written at least 200 posts in my head, that I've never had time to sit down and actually write. So apologies for the long combo half-ass recap to get caught up before another week flies by.
  
 - The following monday AF arrived, right on schedule. (bless you, AF!) This set off a series of events with Sunshine Clinic. First up, getting my Day 3 bloodwork done and shipped back to the Clinic, which basically entailed going to my old RE (where I'm doing my out of town monitoring), landing myself in the middle of a 3 stooges routine that got me totally freaked out that they were going to f-it up but eventually getting blood drawn, being given back the vials of serum, hiding them in a shopping bag and putting them in the freezer at work, freaking out that the samples weren't frozen by the end of the day, bringing them home to freeze overnight, waking up early and breathing sigh of relief that finally froze but then getting freaked out about them thawing in the fedex box so leaving them at home all day, leaving work early to pull them out of the freezer and get to fedex in time for the overnight shipment, and nervously calling the clinic the next day to make sure everything got there okay. (It did. Phew.)
  
 - Once the Day 3 results came in (estrogen a little high, FSH low, LH low enough), I finally got my calendar for this IVF cycle. In their words, I am being put on their most aggressive protocol. Which unfortunately means a full cycle of priming meds before my retrieval cycle, and yet another month of waiting waiting waiting waiting, and another blow to my sanity. But, it is what it is. And in a nutshell what it is, is a month of estrace, testosterone gel, and prometrium (2nd half). Then a stim cycle of menopur, gonal-f, dexamethasone, and CLOMID. That's right, that crazy bitch Clomid is back, daaahhh!! I thought I would never ever have to see her again since thinned my lining so badly during my IUIs last year, but I guess since will be freezing everything, it doesn't matter. Can't wait for the mood swings and terrifying nightmares that lasted several weeks, yippee! My tentative retrieval date is now January 9, which unfortunately now lands 2 days after my college roommate's wedding. I'm really upset about this, but pushing off another month I fear will make me even more crazy, so the wedding and reunion with all my college girlfriends will be added to the list of casualties of this ridiculous journey.
  
 - In the middle of all that, I had my last new consult of Operation Schedule Shit, this time with a reproductive immunologist. Things got off on a bad foot with a crabby phlebotomist who got pissed at me that I didn't want her to stab me in the middle of the giant bruise I had from the stooge who did my Day 3 blood draw. Then moved onto a meek ultrasound tech who was poking around for 20 minutes without ever really telling me what she was doing, but every once in a while would ask questions like "has anyone ever told you that your lining is thin?" (Um, no, are YOU telling me that right now?) By the time we met with the doctor I was already worn out, and in bad shape to hear her words of doom. Basically her theory is that with every pregnancy my body is fighting it with an immune reaction and inflammation. And with each new pregnancy, this reaction has gotten more and more heightened, and by now the inflammation has started to damage my ovaries, as evidenced by my shitty FSH and AMH. She wants to get the results of our bloodwork before making any specific recommendations, but basically thinks that we need aggressive treatment the next time we might be pregnant. And her treatments involve things like heparin, prednisone (steroid), metformin, and IVIg. So after a week of trying to build back up my hopefulness after the AMH news by warming myself to the idea of donor egg or embryo adoption, here I was plunged back into fears of "no matter what you do your body will fuck this up and you will never carry a healthy pregnancy." So naturally I got back into my car afterwards and cried for another 20 minutes and got lost trying to drive home while still blinking back tears. It's going to take another 2-3 weeks for the test results to come in, so I've decided to just not think about it anymore til then.
  
 - And finally, last weekend was the one year anniversary of starting this blog. I can't even bring myself to revisit all that has happened since then. And to think when I started it, I was actually kind of afraid that I would get pregnant right away and have smooth sailing right through to a baby, and all of you would be like, bitch, please, why do YOU need a blog? HA. Not a problem. Many of you have followed me since day one, others I've met along the way, but to everyone who's ever read one word, I send a heartfelt thank you. You have informed me, comforted me, and seen me through some dark days, and I will never in my whole life forget that gift. (Ahem, and I'm still in some pretty deep shit here, so don't go anywhere just yet, please, okay?)
  
Til my next marathon post...