Operation schedule shit

Even before finding out I was pregnant last month, I was starting to feel the itch that we should be trying something new, seeing what else there was to be learned. And then when we lost yet another pregnancy, that resolve was strengthened and, well, I started scheduling shit. Like, everything I could think to schedule, I scheduled. I feel our window closing, age advancing, and like it might be time for whatever hail mary pass there is to throw. I'm tired of being patient, of waiting for our luck to change. My mindset now is, 10 years from now, I don't want to look back with any regrets that we didn't try something.
  
So... the shit I started scheduling weeks ago has started to arrive. And while the act of scheduling this shit felt good and decisive and like I was doing something, the actual taking in of new information and needing to make decisions has started to unravel me a bit. More tightness in my chest, more days where I just want to cry for no reason and every reason all at the same time. 
  
Anyhoo, here's what's happening...
  
The attack has been 2-pronged - REs and Adoption. REs because I wonder if there is still some test out there that might give some clue to our troubles, and I feel like trying IVF might just be something I need to do before giving up on a biological child. Adoption because my confidence in us being to produce a child, any child whether through us or donor egg or what, is pretty shaken right now. And it feels mysterious and unknown and figured I should know what we'd be dealing with.
  
REs first...

• First up, Dr. B (the RPL specialist). She wanted us to come in after loss #6. I was feeling kind of like "why bother", but again, I was scheduling shit so we went, figuring it can't hurt to hear what she had to say. I was planning to keep close to the vest all the other things I was thinking about, but then had a eff-it moment and just spilled. She thinks IVF is a terrible idea for us, that there is no data to support that it would help our chances of success, that the drugs do terrible things to your system, lining, etc. and any poor results of low fertilization rates, poor embryo quality, "bad eggs" cannot be extracted generally, are only indicative of that cycle, not your overall situation. That being said, she said she would support us whatever we decided to do. As for her advice, she wanted to raise my thyroid meds dosage but I pushed back since already make me jittery, but she agreed that we would test it earlier than her typical 5 weeks and raise it during early pregnancy if needed. (Which I tried to talk to her nurse about last pregnancy but was like dealing with a robot.) She also wants to raise my dosage of prometrium to 200mg, even though there's been no sign of that being our problem. Grasping at straws I think, tweaking little shit. Which is why just trying again with these tiny tweaks is not giving me much confidence. She also suggested we could do another biopsy to check for infection again, and I about leaped across the table at her. Uh uh, I don't think so.

• Next up, a phone consult with a certain [out of state] clinic. That was this past Monday. I really liked him on the phone, he seemed level-headed, smart, patient. He thought we could benefit from trying IVF with the chromosomal testing, and contrary to Dr.B. but complementary to my own instincts, thinks we could learn something from the process. What is freaking me out is that we could pretty much get on their train starting NOW. I'm expecting my period any second now, at which point we schedule a one-day workup somewhere between CD5-CD15 (which includes a hysteroscopy, my most feared procedure.) After that, it's possible to already start medication the next cycle for a retrieval, then transfer the next. Cue Head Spinning. I of course have already busted out a calendar. Start now, possibly have transfer and beta results before Christmas, to either rest or binge drink. If we delay a month, puts my transfer right when should be traveling to my college roommate's wedding. Nothing will go as planned, I should just stop worrying about it, but I can't help but feel like DECIDE! DECIDE NOW! or you will be so pissed at yourself for waiting!! Part of me says, they've got the best stats, just freaking go for it. Other part of me says, going to another state is a bit extreme for your sure to be stressful first IVF experience. Plus, you still have 3 more appts scheduled...

• This week, consult with local RE at well-known clinic that a certain skinny E celebrity cycled with last year. Good reputation, good stats, located right next door to my holistic fertility center. It's also where all my IRL support group peeps go. Some with success, others not. Trying to keep an open mind with the appt...

• Following week, paying a visit to the doctor known to many as Dr. Awesome, namely beloved fellow bloggie Egg who got her twins through him and I know did a shiteload of research before picking him.

• Lastly in November, seeing an immunologist. I know this stuff is controversial, but again, I want to hear what she has to say and what any new tests might reveal. I'm most skeptical that we're ready to go forward with this stuff, but again, I want to see what's there.

Okay, now for adoption...

• Attended a 2-hr information webinar with a local agency. Was nice to sit on our couch and dip our toes in this water and start getting informed. It ended and I put down my 6-pages of notes and felt overwhelmed. And my husband said, so we should probably start that paperwork. I looked at him in shock. Gotta love that about him, so blindly decisive. I don't think I'm ready yet, especially since they require a commitment to stop fertility treatments (though I wonder if RPL is the loophole), but good to know that he really is on board with whatever will get us closer to a family. I'm warming to adoption, but the average wait times of 16 months AFTER the 7 months of paperwork/classes/homestudy, etc. is pretty discouraging. Especially with our ages already working against our desirability to birth parents. But, is what it is. Keeping it in the hopper.

• Also called a private adoption law firm in a neighboring state that a IRL support group friend told me about. (Private adoption is not legal in Illinois, or something like that. I'm still new to this). I called for information and sent away for their 90 minute info DVD which arrived this week. Hoping to watch it this weekend. Figured it was a good starting point to get info from 2 ends of the spectrum, to see how they differ and which way we might want to go.

  
So there's the lowdown, dear bloggies. Sorry to have been away a while, and to bleehhhh it all in one big post. Been a lot to do (namely paperwork for 4 new RE consults, ugh) and even more to think about. All while work is super crazy and I'm about to help start a new spin off company (more on that another time). But I did pull my boss aside yesterday to give the heads up about these appts and the possibility of Colorado trips, and he was super supportive. Which was good to get out of the way, but also made everything pretty real, which I think led to my several crying jags in the last 24 hours.
  
Advice welcome, as always :)   (And missohkay, I'll probably be hitting you up to finally meet for that glass of wine soon!)