We had another perfectly normal ultrasound this morning. Heart beating, development on track. I still feel like I must be writing about someone else's pregnancy. We were of course thrilled, and for a moment relieved that all was well, but it's not yet 12 hours later and I find my mind wandering and worrying if that precious little beat has already stopped.
I find myself in The Hope Dilemma.
Having hope makes me feel like an Arrogant Fool.
Not having hope makes me feel like an Ungrateful Asshole.
I found myself annoyed at our ultrasound tech this morning. I have to sort of shut down during these appointments to not completely freak out. The significance of what is found, the painful memories that are conjured, the emotional weight of the moment, and oh yeah, the fact that I'm being PENETRATED the whole time, it's all just too intense. I mostly keep my eyes closed, stealing glances at the screen every so often (and only after I hear that things are okay), tears resting on my cheeks as I squeeze my husband's hand.
As she was wrapping up, she starts giving me a pep talk? scolding? with "you've got to believe" and "it's your little miracle" and "it's in God's hands and he may have chosen this to be the one." Save it, lady. You and I both know that we don't know shit at this point. Yes, we have the promise of a healthy pregnancy right now, this is where we want and need to be to get from here to there. But anything can still happen. We're not even close to being out of the first trimester, and an eternity away from an actual take-home baby.
So excuse me if I don't squeal with joy and run out to buy a minivan and start decorating the nursery. One day at a time is all I can handle right now. Let's just focus on that, 'kay?
People never know what to say...and honestly in such a fragile state anything is probably the wrong thing to say. Hope is bad. Not believing is not good, either. Just take it a day at a time. That's the best you can do. And, hopefully, at some point, you will believe this is real. But, don't let yourself believe that your conflicted emotions have any impact on this pregnancy. It is out of your hands and there is solace in that. Bah. I'm probably not helping:>
ReplyDeleteCongrats on another step down on your journey. Stumbled on your blog and noticed you are from Chicago too. I also am suffering from RPL/IF (secondary). Your not by any chance seeing Dr. S at U of Chicago are you? Just curious as I switched to her after my last loss.
ReplyDeleteKatie
Normal. Just focus on those next steps. RPL allows for a myopic baby view. If anyone had given me that talk I would have told them to stick it where the sun don't shine. This is wonderful news and you are not an ungrateful asshole for not believing that it means anything, just the terrified survivor with lots of battle experience. This contender is great and I will hope for you.
ReplyDeleteso glad that all looked beautiful today.
ReplyDeleteThat u/s tech can just STFU. All you need to do is get through each day, early pregnancy is so incredibly difficult after RPL. Holding onto hope for you.
Reading this and knowing that you REALLY know how I feel is such a relief. I go back and forth, miserable on either side. My therapist tried to comvince me to use the mantra "I'm pregnant today." My mind immediately filled in the unspoken tomorrow bit and I hated it. The fact is, there are no magic words for us.
ReplyDeleteThere's just taking it one step at a time.
Be well.
Oh, good! But yes, your reaction sounds about exactly the same as how I felt in the early days. One day at a time is exactly right - in fact I often had to break it down to five minutes at a time, or one breath at a time. That's normal, so normal, with RPL. There's no rationalizing your way out of the Hope Dilemma (great description, spot on) - you just get to feel what you feel at any given moment, and that's fine! That tech should be given a stern talking-to, but you don't need to be the one to do it. Focus on whatever (or on nothing) that gets you through - I'll continue hoping like crazy for you in the meantime!
ReplyDeleteI'm relieved to read your positive update.
ReplyDeleteI think I would have slapped that very well-meaning u/s person. Good self-restraint on your part. Life is tenuous, and nobody knows it more than you. All you need to do right now is exactly what you are doing: taking it one moment at a time. I sure am pulling for a very long series of good moments all the way to birth.
So glad everything continues to go well.
ReplyDeleteHow many weeks are you now?
Who does that ultrasound tech think she is? She doesn't get paid to pep talk/scold. Annoying!
So glad it went well. One day at a time. And the u/s tech? I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but of course that's not what you need to hear right now. What are the chances you'll get a different tech next time?
ReplyDeleteOne day, one hour, one minute at a time. So overjoyed at this update and am breathing right along with you. You've been through hell and back, you are NORMAL to feel these oscillating feelings of scared hopefulness and doubt. You are doing so so so so awesome. Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen zen.
ReplyDeletexoxo
OMG can I beat up the U/S tech? Pretty please?
ReplyDeleteBut enough about that.
YAAAAAAY!
I know, day by day. I seriously suggest you get a doppler in the coming weeks. It really helped with my anxiety levels between scans. (at least until the whole cervix debacle)
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so, so happy for you BUT totally understand not wanting to get excited. I will say lots of prayers that this baby sticks like hell! xo
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