I'm here. Still here.

Sorry to be away so long. Has been a looonng week or so, and I've just kind of shut down.
  
I'll cut to the chase -- still pregnant, at least as far as I know right now.
  
Here's what's been happening...
  
A week ago Wednesday at work had a kind of shit-hitting-fan kind of day, pretty hectic. As I was leaving for home I headed to the bathroom first, and the thought crossed my mind, if I wasn't constantly thinking about being pregnant all day, was I? Like it's some tree falling in the woods thing, where if I'm NOT obsessing about it, it can't be sustained. And then I went to the bathroom and... discovered blood. God-f*ing*damnit stinking blood. My heart dropped to the floor, but I actually managed to get out of the office and drive myself home before losing my shit. 
  
I was convinced it was over. I mean, every other time I've started to bleed during a pregnancy, the immediate next thing was the miscarriage. Knowing it was done, pretty quickly a kind of peace came over me. No need to get anxious about our first ultrasound the next morning, I already had my answer. My body was already starting to do it's thing, it will be confirmed over in the morning, and I will go about my business of scheduling that hair appointment and pedicure, booking my trip to NY for work, etc.
  
Except it wasn't over. By morning the bleeding had mostly stopped, and the ultrasound showed a developing yolk sac, all was what should be. Bloodwork fine too. But I already had myself so worked up, and still so full of doom over the bleeding, I could hardly process it. It almost stressed me out, like, you mean I'm still in this hell??
  
I was sent home to take it easy, and kindly was offered another ultrasound for the following Monday. I had on and off bleeding the entire weekend, mostly brownish, seemed intermittent versus getting worse. But I was constantly on edge that I needed to be lying down (even though I was told didn't need to be on bed rest), that I was feeling cramps, that the bleeding was getting worse, doom was just around the corner. I went to church Easter morning, then to my SILs for brunch, found blood in my liner and... immediately had my husband take me home.
  
Survive until Monday morning. I was a nervous wreck, just barely able to hold my shit together waiting to be called in and waiting to see what would be seen. But there was a heartbeat. A glorious tiny little heartbeat. All measuring on track. "Looks perfect," my doctor said, "you're not used to hearing that, are you?" Yeah, that would be the understatement of the year. We haven't had a truly normal ultrasound since pregnancy #1 in January 2009, over 3 years ago. The ultrasound tech handed us a couple of photos, and both me and husband looked at them like a hot potato -- Mr. B. muttered something like, "yeah, I don't know if that's a good idea to have lying around." I think they are still jammed in my purse, I haven't touched them since.
  
Dismissed again, told to come back in a week. Advised to work from home until we have a better handle on the bleeding. Which has been a good and bad thing -- nice to not have to put on a brave face and be "normal" in front of others, but the isolation of home is not necessarily the best thing either for my mental health.
  
The stupid motherf*ing spotting continues as I type. It actually stopped for a whole day. A whole glorious day and I had a bounce in my step again. Until last night when it came back, making it harder to get in that deep breath. Right now, is that cramps I feel? Was the other bleeding "nothing to worry about bleeding" and now this is the shit that will continue to get worse little by little until I find that big bloody clot that tells me it's really over?
  
It's taking all my energy to keep it together, get some work done, get through the day. I've always remembered something that dearest Egg said once, "I feel every minute of every day." Couldn't have said it better. And it's exhausting. I'd be scared and preoccupied anyway, but the spotting keeps me from having any peace of forgetting for even a few minutes to worry.
  
Tomorrow I will be 7 weeks. On Monday I will know if that little heart still beats. I'm too scared to hope, just trying to "be" until then.