Have been doing pretty well emotionally since Friday, but started to unravel today during the roller coaster of waiting for my test results... talked to the nurse yesterday – she said would call me today by noon or else call her – called her at 1:00 today, she answered but had no clue about who i was or why i was calling, said would call back by 1:30 and leave a message – at 1:45 called and left no message – 2:00 I called her back and left a “I’m stressing out here” message – she finally called back at 2:15 with a message. Which was...
Beta #3 ~21 dpo = 1425
... which apparently the doctor is saying is normal. But I of course have plugged it into the hcg doubling calculator website, and think it blows.
And even more bad news. Dr. B. retested my TSH, which should apparently be 1-2, and is 4.18. They’ll be calling me back tomorrow with a prescription for some meds. WTF? This wasn’t even on my radar of something to worry about, and I’m still not sure what to think of it as Dr. Google has been rather unhelpful for my situation.
Am trying to be zen with however this turns out and take a “what will be will be” attitude, but every day I get more emotionally invested in this pregnancy, more desperate for it to be okay, more needing this to work out and give us a December baby. But my gut is telling me that it’s not going to work out, and will now play out over god knows how long and what emotional turmoil. I could have dealt with a really bad result today, then at least I would know and could start the process of moving on, both physically and emotionally, without getting any deeper into it. Part of me thinks that I know how to handle a miscarriage, but now I see that even after 4 times, there are just so many ways for this to go wrong in new and cruel ways that there is no way to truly be prepared.
Sorry to be dark, and if I seem ungrateful. I just need to get this stuff out to hopefully move forward in a healthier way. Your prayers and support, as always, are most appreciated.
***
I wrote the first part of this post before leaving work. I had been fighting back tears all day, and finally left early at 4:30 (this cold is handy for excuses at least). I came home and called my husband and then my mom and dad, and cried and cried and felt everything I needed to feel.
I'm still anxious, but less raw now. I'm gathering my strength to push the worry out of my mind and try to be distracted til we learn more, probably next week.
I have to mention just how awesome my mom is. She basically told me, "You have been doing everything you can, and everything you're feeling is totally normal." Validated my tears, and took away any hint of blame or shame or any of those destructive feelings. Love you, Mom.
TSH can fluctuate, especially in pregnancy. So it's very good they caught this, and hopefully the meds will get it down! Sorry the numbers aren't doubling like that should, I hope that things are alright though. But I understand how very scary it is (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteMoms are great sometimes for saying what you need to hear aren't they. The truth is that she is right. Your fears and tears are totaly normal and to be expected (although, for the record I think that this IS your time). The irony of it is that if it wasn't for this infertility shit you wouldn't even know to worry about most of this stuff and it would probably pass without you ever having known there was even the hint of a problem. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you.
I'm sorry that you're in limbo hell. When do you get to see something? Hoping and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your mom! You've done everything you can do. It's so incredibly hard, but just try to sit back and hold on tight. It is a rollercoaster! I used those hcg doubling calculators too. My 3rd beta didn't quite double and I stressed. One thing my RE told me weeks later when we were seeing one very healthy fetus on the ultrasound is that there might have been a vanishing twin that made my 3rd beta not quite double (i.e., there was hcg there for two on beta #1 and maybe #2 but had gone away by #3.) Just a thought......
ReplyDeleteI WISH google didn't exist in cases like this! I know it is unavoidable to look, but it causes so much more stress!!! I am thinking of you and wishing/hoping/praying that your numbers continue to rise and that your December baby is safely on its way...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through this-how stressful! I agree with your mom though. Words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you're in this limbo place, it's so, so hard.
ReplyDeleteWhen will they get you in for an ultrasound?
I'm thinking of and praying for you and your little december baby. xo
Shit. Were you not on meds for TSH? I'll ping you offline here. I have been up and down on readings for this whole time.
ReplyDeleteI know how ominous you feel at the moment, but as long as things are rising, this is not a done deal. You are such a strong woman. While I know you are thinking that this is a first class doom ticket, it's not 100%. My heart is holding the hope of a thousand saints. And my very best thoughts are with you.
I am so sorry about all of the stress and worry. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMy thyroid is hypo too, and a TSH level of 4ish is not that bad, so try not to stress too much about that. When mine first tested 5.51, my ob wouldn't even do anything about it. My RE, put me on Synthroid (75mcg) b/c it was preventing me from ovulating. But, I pop a pill every morning & it's controlled. I get my levels checked every few months b/c it does fluctuate during pregnancy.
Deep breath. XOXO.
Hang in there, Mrs. B. I had a friend recently go through the exact same beta situation post-IVF. Turns out, all three embies had implanted, but only two made it, which was why the numbers didn't rise as fast.
ReplyDeleteWhat you feel is so utterly normal. You are not ungrateful, just scared and scarred by past bad experiences, as anyone would be! I am hoping and praying for you, though.
I just wrote the world's longest comment and wordpress ate it. :(
ReplyDeleteThe short version: From my research in August, I remember that Betas stop rising as quickly at a certain pt, I think it's around 1000? So, it would be very very normal for the HCG to NOT be doubling at 7dpo.
Can you get an u/s soon? I think I remember the gest sac shows up at around 1000 HCG or very soon after. (Baby A's sac was there at 6DPO and Baby B's was there a few days later.)
My heart breaks for you b/c this part is so hard and you are in so much agony wondering-wondering-wondering right now. Do what you have to do to get through these incredibly tough days....breathe in, breathe out. If it's alright with you, I will carry the hope and ROCK SOLID belief that THIS is your perfect, healthy baby. Zen zen zen zen zen zen zen.
I have like 17 other things to say but I will wrap it up now. xoxo
I understand how scared and concerned you are. Try, try, try not to be concerned about the beta numbers. Just as your mom said, everything is absolutely normal that you're feeling and ok. Truly.
ReplyDeleteYour TSH...I take thyroid medication and pretty much the moment I found out I was pregnant they had to adjust my dose. The only true complications in pregnancy can come from when your thyroid is out of whack. Some labs use even .5-5 as normal range (in non-pregnant women) so try not to worry.
From my avowed position as a non-blower of smoke up the ass, and firmly entrenched habitual aborter and knower of too much information, I wouldn't love those betas if I were in your place either. I say this not to freak you out, but in a gesture of solidarity and to not there-there you and pass your concerns off as not concerning. Like you said, it's ambiguous. It's good that they are still going up. It would be better if they were going more up, but it would be worse if they were not going up. So we are left with the ambiguous hell of the HA's early pregnancy. Lovely.
ReplyDeletePregnancy can do wacky crazy things to your thyroid. BUT the good news is that with meds to help the thyroid along, thyroid problems are 100% fixed.
Fingers crossed.
I agree with Egg: can they get you in for an u/s soon knowing your history? I like to think that eventhough the TSH wasn't on your radar, your doc is on top of it and getting you the meds you and baby need to grow strong and healthy. And I think I heard the same thing about the betas slowing down at 1,000 like Egg did.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding out hope that all is well and this baby is a survivor and is going to stay in there for the long haul :). xoxo
I heard your frustration. After 4 losses, who wouldn't be scared and frustrated? My fingers are crossed that you make it out of Beta Hell and transition into some good news!
ReplyDeleteOkay, honeybun. I am worried about you. Just checking in.
ReplyDelete