Survived the week (hopefully) + betas

In a way I've spent the last year preparing myself for getting back to this place again - acupuncture, meditation, nutrition, the support of this blog and IRL fellow IF/RPLers. Basically living the lifestyle of a pregnant person all the time, no question in my mind anymore of should I / shouldn't I be doing that. Imagining getting the positive test, and everything that would follow and how I would mentally prepare myself for it and prioritize that over everything else.
  
But my expectations have waned a bit in the past few months. It had been so long since seeing that positive test that I stopped planning for it in any specific way, to ease the anticipation and subsequent disappointment. Finding out that I was pregnant on Monday caught me off guard (I know how stupid that sounds...) and I proceeded to have a total clusterf*** of a week.
  
I was totally thrown off my game right off the bat with not sleeping in my own damn bed for 3 nights (due to scary smells from condo above). Work hit the fan with lots of big meetings and deadlines and new projects launching, and I struggled big time to cope while being so freaking distracted and preoccupied. Health-wise, my body is NOT cooperating either. TMI warning, but I've had "the scoots" off and on for the past month - my brother's kids had the flu and I originally attributed it to that - and it came back with a vengeance this week. Left me feeling drained and sick and un-nourished. And then Thursday night I started getting a sore throat, on top of it all.
  
With every past loss, I am haunted with so many terrible regrets and "what if" scenarios - what if I was working too hard, what if it was that egg I ate that wasn't cooked enough, what if I was too anxious, what if what if what if. I hate that this week has felt stressful and draining and out of sorts, leaving way too much mental ammunition if things go south. I just wanted to feel like I was doing everything I could for this pregnancy, no regrets, and now I've already blown that big time.
  
Last night I went to acupuncture at my holistic fertility center, and felt like a new woman afterwards. They are just so supportive and wonderful and full of real advice and strategies for taking care of myself and getting through this. And I really do believe in the physical benefits of the acupuncture itself. I got a good night's sleep last night, am taking it easy today, and now feel calm and peaceful and rested.
  
So I've turned a corner. Please oh please dear god let it not be too late and that my pregnancy is not already doomed from the chaos of this shitty week.
  
Okay, enough of that, here are the maddeningly ambiguous beta results:
Beta #1 ~14dpo = 266
Beta #2 ~16dpo = 469
  
They didn't double. My heart sank. The person who called me said "The doctor says your levels rose appropriately. Come back next Wednesday for another." I pointed out that they didn't double, and she just repeated the "appropriate" comment. 
  
Not to get off on another tangent in this already rambling post, but my doctor is a nationally known RPL specialist. I guess I just expected more. A call from the doctor. Some acknowledgement of the fragility of the situation. Some recognition that I could use a little more support and information than your average "hey i'm pregnant" jane off the street.
  
I didn't get the reassurance I was looking for from a kickass second beta, and is feeling too familiar from my last pregnancy when my 48 hr betas went like this: 100, 300 (yay!), 567 (hmm), 607 (crap). Feels just like the 300-567 rise-but-not-quite-doubling indicator of doom.
  
Deep breaths, deep breaths. I'm trying to stay sane by pretending I'm just in the homestretch of a two-week-wait, and next Wednesday is when I'm finding out if I'm really pregnant or not.
  
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support, it means so much to me. Sorry that I have not been there for you very well this past week or so. And sorry for this incoherent mess of a post :) (I pity the clients reading any reports i wrote this week...)


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