No more ambiguity

We're done wondering. It's over.
  
Had our ultrasound late yesterday. Betas continued to rise (6231 to ~15,000), gestational sac grew (from 8mm to 12mm), but the faint spot of a yolk sac had disappeared and there was just nothing else there. Per Dr. B and the tech, the edges of the sac didn't show the signs that it was really digging into the endometrium and thriving like it should. 
  
Dr. B said with medicine it's never 100% certainty, but she was 99.9% sure that this pregnancy was not viable.
  
We discussed our options. Wait for it to happen naturally and try to collect a sample on our own (she gave us a sample container at our last appointment). Schedule an in-office procedure with her, no anesthesia. Schedule a surgical D&C with either my OB or a colleague of hers.
  
No option is particularly appealing. The last thing I want to do is wait, but I'm scared about the risks of infection (for good reason) and scarring (after just having a hysteroscopy) with more invasive procedures. Getting this done with Dr. B would be the fastest least complicated option, but enduring the physical pain of that just seems like more than I should have to deal with right now. The procedures give us a better chance for collecting the sample for testing, but I have a deep down terror that it WON'T be chromosomal, which opens a huge can of emotional worms over what I or my body did wrong.
  
As of now I'm leaning towards a D&C with my OB, who performed one for pregnancy #3. I have a call into his office, but am still waiting for a call back, and the limbo of moving forward is unraveling my already fragile psyche right now. I'm supposed to be going into work later, but without "a plan" I'm having a hard time getting off the couch. And I have to wait for my laundry because I was literally completely out of clean underwear. That's the kind of month it's been.
  
The sadness and disappointment and anger and fear are sinking in in little ways. Not taking my prenatal last night. Stopping the prometrium supps. Eating chicken wings and fries for dinner because my diet no longer matters. Letting myself get riled up and upset and freak out because there's no longer anything at stake, no reason for zen. Watching old 30 Rock episodes in bed last night, coming across a christmas episode, and letting my mind wander to the image of a newborn in red fuzzy christmas pajamas, the one we won't be meeting. Fast forwarding in my mind to when we might start trying again, and realizing that yet another wedding anniversary will pass, no further along this path.
  
I just don't know where we go from here. My heart is breaking but I know we will get through this, that we'll somehow find the strength to move forward and keep trying. A huge thank you to everyone for your kind words and support, it has meant so much to me.
  
**Update: Just heard from my OB. He wants to do another ultrasound himself so will be heading into his office shortly, should know more from there.