Wait, no, er... NOW we know.

Went to see my OB yesterday for another ultrasound. I hadn't been to his office since mc#3 a year ago January, but I was surprisingly unemotional being back there, maybe because the bad news had already been given, and I was just feeling grateful to be seen and helped.

  

My OB agreed that the pregnancy did not look promising, but wasn't 100% confident so proposed to wait until next week to schedule the D&C, and to do a quick ultrasound beforehand just to be sure. He was so kind and patient and informative, and said that he didn't want to put me through any additional emotional pain by waiting. But I was feeling pretty sane (versus in the past where waiting one extra minute felt like torture) and felt that having shown up on his doorstep out of the blue that morning, I should respect his recommendation. I updated the few people I needed to at work, and tried to settle in for another week wait. 

  

Woke up this morning with some regrets about not getting things moving forward this week, knowing deep in my heart that there was no hope left and no reason to wait. And my body must have agreed because as I made my last pit stop before walking out the door to work, I discover I'm starting to bleed. Have a fleeting moment of panic, then sadness, then relief that my body was answering all those yet unanswered questions for us.

  

I called my OB, and we're now scheduled for a D&C tomorrow. Part of me still has reservations about having a procedure versus letting my body do this naturally (especially since seems to be moving along on its own now), but my husband and I decided that having the best chance for testing and information is our priority right now. Tomorrow will not be pleasant, but I know exactly what to expect and that I will feel well cared for.

  

I'm doing okay. Having a definite plan is doing wonders for my psyche. And I know it's just an arbitrary date, but having this whole mess completely contained in the month of April seems emotionally tidier somehow. 

  

Sorry to have dragged you all along on this roller coaster; part of me wants go back and delete this whole debacle from the record. Thank you again for all your kind comments and prayers. And I totally understand if at some point there's just nothing left to say :)