Here we go!

AF arrived this afternoon, right on time according to my estimated calendar from the Sunshine Clinic. How considerate of her! Which means it's GO TIME, people!!! CD1 of my very first (and likely only) IVF cycle. 
  
I've got monitoring at a local clinic for ultrasound and bloodwork in the morning, and should start stim meds on Thursday. I still need to watch the instructional videos and somehow pin down my husband to watch them too - he is driving me crazy with his cavalier attitude about all this! I know we both can't be crazy and we need a calm one in the pair, but I really need him to get his head in the game. So much of this journey has had to be managed by me alone, but this is something he can take off my mental plate. I just might duct tape him to a chair in front of the computer when he gets home. God, I'm already feeling so bitchy and I haven't even started the meds yet, I should be a real treat these next few weeks.
  
I'm excited to be finally getting this show on the road, but I already felt a ball of anxiety in my gut thinking about the fact that soon we will have to deal with NEWS. News about how many follicles, news about what my levels are doing, news that will be "good" or "bad." I'm trying my hardest to be zen going into this - no expectations, and effectively no hopes. Not in an entirely pessimistic way, but in a way that hopefully keeps me from freaking out and stressing about every number and being soul-crushingly disappointed if things don't turn out great. Because let's remember that my predictors suck and I'm expected to be a low responder, so I just can't get all la-la-la about this. So hopefully this will help me appreciate what goes well, and roll with what doesn't. We'll see.
  
Deep breaths. One day at a time. And when I need to bitch, it will be here so hold onto your bleepin' hats ladies!

Just trying to get through it

...and by "it" I mean the holidays. My coping strategy so far this month has been to go a little numb. Go to the parties and events required of me, smile and small talk, indulge in a glass of wine or two, and try to not think too hard about anything, certainly not where we are (or are not, or have been in the past) this Christmas, or really even to acknowledge that it's Christmas at all. I haven't decorated our house, I waited til the last minute to buy even a single present (all done in one shot yesterday), haven't sent a single card (though I broke down and bought of few to send to the aunts and godmother, still sitting in the shopping bag). Yeah, I know - bah humbug.
  
But mostly it's been working and I've managed to keep my spirits up, or at least "not down." But as the Eve approaches, I'm feeling that facade start to crumble. Cried listening to Christmas music in the car on the way home. Cried opening the big batch of Christmas cards that awaited me, and all the smiling babes that comes with it. Decided to lay on the couch "just for a minute" but 2 hours later I can't seem to get motivated to go to the grocery store, wrap presents, or all the other millions things I should be doing today.
  
And try as I might, I can't shake the knot in my stomach and swirl of ugly emotions that came with the pregnancy announcement of someone close to us a few nights ago, just when I thought I had become immune to them. In a flash, I saw the next year of what I'll have to graciously endure, the gatherings surrounded by ooh-aah pregnancy babble, the baby shower that I won't be able to elude, the hospital visit to congratulate the glowing new parents. In that same flash, I felt jealousy and resentment that this couple consciously pushed off having kids for years after getting married and they were not forced to pay for that gamble, all while we've struggled and suffered and sacrificed to no avail. I felt shame that my body has failed us and could not do what hers has done, and I felt self conscious that some will know how hard this is on me and will be watching my reaction. All this I felt the instant I heard the news, this complex stab of feelings, but all my husband saw was that tears sprang to my eyes and I had to leave the room (thankfully was just the two of us), and I added to my emotions embarrassment that I wasn't stronger and frustration that all this was too hard to explain to him in that moment.
  
I hate feeling this way and have been working hard to find peace with this situation before I see them face to face this weekend. Being able to identify this vile cocktail of emotion has been an effective first step, and because I don't want to spread the ugliness to anyone who knows them, I'm getting it out of my system here in hopes it helps me to move past it. I actually care a great deal about this couple and we've had great times together, and I need to remind myself of the joy that my husband and I get from the children in our life.
  
I just need to get through the next few days. 
  
Oh yeah. Merry something-or-other.

Lend some support please

I've been wanting to post an update about my return visit to the immunology doc and the latest with the Sunshine Clinic, but late work nights and holiday weekends have sucked the life out of me. More soon.
 
But for now I ask everyone to send some support to a fellow blogger who is hurting right now. After 3+ years of IF and finally getting her magical BFP, M.G. at Fertility Freak has lost her precious son due to a cord issue at 6 months. It's every IFers worst fear come true, and while it can be hard for this community to face the reality of this tragedy, I'm sure she would appreciate your support and to know that she is not alone in her grief.

I think I stink

I started the testosterone gel Thursday night. I have a syringe like thing for measuring it out (but no needle), and each night I have to rub a decent size dollop of the goo into my upper arm and shoulder. At first seemed ridiculous and everywhere, but actually absorbs pretty quickly.

 

But... it smells bad. I know I have a sensitive schnoz, but it smells like medicine-y stinky boy body odor or something. I felt like I reeked when I crawled into bed, and I could still smell it when I woke up. I showered and went to yoga Friday morning, and wearing a t-shirt and starting to sweat a little, I swore I could still smell it. Yuck.

 

I worry it will make our bedding, mattress, pillows, etc. stink forever. And I work in close quarters - I don't want to be the stinky girl! I may have to start using slightly scented hand lotion or something to make myself less self-conscious. 

 

And I hope the smell is the only side effect. I got the gel straight from a pharmacy for the Sunshine Clinic and it came with no paperwork - risks, instructions, etc. So I was consulting Dr. Google this morning and came across fun stuff like it can cause acne, facial hair growth, male pattern balding, voice changes. Awesome.

 

It also talked about how it improves your libido, which seems to be the main reason people look into using this stuff. Which is funny since I must confess to having some random hot men appear in my dreams the past 2 nights. Hmmmm. Figures I'll get a sex drive while baby-making is strictly forbidden. 

 

I'm not trying to make a big deal (I've dealt with much worse and its all for a greater good hopefully), but I am curious if anyone else experienced any of this? Chalk it up to one more ridiculous experience in this ridiculous journey, I guess.

your very own Wandy!

First, home dopplers. Next up, home ultrasounds. For reals. Highly dangerous invention here...

 

"This award winning system, cleared by the Food & Drug Administration, brings ultrasound imaging within reach of health care professionals [... AND paranoid scared-to-death pregnant IFers!] everywhere."

 

Intended customer is probably doctors in third world countries, saving lives for millions, but why should they have all the fun? :)

CD1, the adventure begins!

Bless you, AF, and your on-time arrival yet again. Here we go kids!
  
This month is pretty tame - 10 days of antibiotics and nightly estrace start tonight. Testosterone gel to follow starting Thursday. Then prometrium in 2 weeks. And a blood test in there somewhere. Basically takes me to Christmas when Santa will bring my next AF, and the real fun begins with the stim meds.
  
Has been a rough couple of months, but right now I'm feeling pretty sane and calm. We have a plan, and it's time to move forward with the plan. No more decisions to make, and we just need to take new news as it comes, without worrying about it ahead of time. Zen, baby. (For now, anyway, ha!)
  
I had a nice relaxing Thanksgiving weekend, and a fun weekend before that on a trip to Wisconsin with my family, which certainly helped the sanity situation. Amazing what some sleep, rest, and laughs can do for your soul.
  
I went to dinner with an old friend a couple weeks ago. I was bringing her up to speed on the latest, and talking about how hard it is to keep going. How tired and worn out I was feeling. How I worried that my heart has shriveled up into a cold little stone, with nothing left to give to a child that might some way, somehow make it's way into our home. And she said something very wise - "A little bit of joy can go a long way." I'm trying to hold onto hope that someday we will get some GOOD news, and how far that will go to lift our weary hearts and give us strength. 
  
I also broke the news to my college girlfriend that we'll be missing her wedding, and in the process spilled the short version of all that we've been going through. We spoke on the phone for the first time in years, and it was wonderful to reconnect. She couldn't have been more understanding and compassionate, and it turns out there's a reason why: she is in this mess too. Shitballs. Early stages, but enough to understand. And as much as I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone, there is that strange comfort in sharing a foxhole with someone who I look up to so much, that I'm not broken, cursed, a freak, what have you. Even though I have all of you, it's remarkable how hard this can be to remember on dark days, and how powerfully comforting the realization is that you are not alone.
  
Here's hoping that you all enjoyed, or at least survived, Thanksgiving. I'll be doing my best to keep my spirits up. My birthday is right around the corner, so heading into some dicey emotional territory. And the hormones are sure to undermine any semblance of sanity I've regained. Bitches.
  
C'mon zen zen zen zen...

Blogiversary and the latest

Sorry for my pathetic last post and thanks for all of your support. You'd think I'd be used to bad news by now?
  
I'm back on my feet, but has been an eventful 2 weeks since then, during which time I've written at least 200 posts in my head, that I've never had time to sit down and actually write. So apologies for the long combo half-ass recap to get caught up before another week flies by.
  
 - The following monday AF arrived, right on schedule. (bless you, AF!) This set off a series of events with Sunshine Clinic. First up, getting my Day 3 bloodwork done and shipped back to the Clinic, which basically entailed going to my old RE (where I'm doing my out of town monitoring), landing myself in the middle of a 3 stooges routine that got me totally freaked out that they were going to f-it up but eventually getting blood drawn, being given back the vials of serum, hiding them in a shopping bag and putting them in the freezer at work, freaking out that the samples weren't frozen by the end of the day, bringing them home to freeze overnight, waking up early and breathing sigh of relief that finally froze but then getting freaked out about them thawing in the fedex box so leaving them at home all day, leaving work early to pull them out of the freezer and get to fedex in time for the overnight shipment, and nervously calling the clinic the next day to make sure everything got there okay. (It did. Phew.)
  
 - Once the Day 3 results came in (estrogen a little high, FSH low, LH low enough), I finally got my calendar for this IVF cycle. In their words, I am being put on their most aggressive protocol. Which unfortunately means a full cycle of priming meds before my retrieval cycle, and yet another month of waiting waiting waiting waiting, and another blow to my sanity. But, it is what it is. And in a nutshell what it is, is a month of estrace, testosterone gel, and prometrium (2nd half). Then a stim cycle of menopur, gonal-f, dexamethasone, and CLOMID. That's right, that crazy bitch Clomid is back, daaahhh!! I thought I would never ever have to see her again since thinned my lining so badly during my IUIs last year, but I guess since will be freezing everything, it doesn't matter. Can't wait for the mood swings and terrifying nightmares that lasted several weeks, yippee! My tentative retrieval date is now January 9, which unfortunately now lands 2 days after my college roommate's wedding. I'm really upset about this, but pushing off another month I fear will make me even more crazy, so the wedding and reunion with all my college girlfriends will be added to the list of casualties of this ridiculous journey.
  
 - In the middle of all that, I had my last new consult of Operation Schedule Shit, this time with a reproductive immunologist. Things got off on a bad foot with a crabby phlebotomist who got pissed at me that I didn't want her to stab me in the middle of the giant bruise I had from the stooge who did my Day 3 blood draw. Then moved onto a meek ultrasound tech who was poking around for 20 minutes without ever really telling me what she was doing, but every once in a while would ask questions like "has anyone ever told you that your lining is thin?" (Um, no, are YOU telling me that right now?) By the time we met with the doctor I was already worn out, and in bad shape to hear her words of doom. Basically her theory is that with every pregnancy my body is fighting it with an immune reaction and inflammation. And with each new pregnancy, this reaction has gotten more and more heightened, and by now the inflammation has started to damage my ovaries, as evidenced by my shitty FSH and AMH. She wants to get the results of our bloodwork before making any specific recommendations, but basically thinks that we need aggressive treatment the next time we might be pregnant. And her treatments involve things like heparin, prednisone (steroid), metformin, and IVIg. So after a week of trying to build back up my hopefulness after the AMH news by warming myself to the idea of donor egg or embryo adoption, here I was plunged back into fears of "no matter what you do your body will fuck this up and you will never carry a healthy pregnancy." So naturally I got back into my car afterwards and cried for another 20 minutes and got lost trying to drive home while still blinking back tears. It's going to take another 2-3 weeks for the test results to come in, so I've decided to just not think about it anymore til then.
  
 - And finally, last weekend was the one year anniversary of starting this blog. I can't even bring myself to revisit all that has happened since then. And to think when I started it, I was actually kind of afraid that I would get pregnant right away and have smooth sailing right through to a baby, and all of you would be like, bitch, please, why do YOU need a blog? HA. Not a problem. Many of you have followed me since day one, others I've met along the way, but to everyone who's ever read one word, I send a heartfelt thank you. You have informed me, comforted me, and seen me through some dark days, and I will never in my whole life forget that gift. (Ahem, and I'm still in some pretty deep shit here, so don't go anywhere just yet, please, okay?)
  
Til my next marathon post...