Was a rough night and morning, but starting to feel a little better now. Still sad. And tired.
I don’t know why the anticipation and disappointment was even greater this time. Maybe it’s the cumulative pressure of the past 6 months. Or maybe it’s being on a medicated cycle with so much activity. This fertility stuff is just so crazy frustrating - you can’t just “try harder.” You expect some sort of payoff for all the effort, and then it’s like you might as well have not even tried.
Enough wallowing, moving on to ranting...
I think I need to break up with the hpt I've been using. I’m tired of seeing the single line, straining my eyes til I’ve actually hallucinated the faintest second line. I switched to Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy for a while last year, the one where it gives a readout of Yes or No. All I ever got was a No, and my immediate mental response was always, “F*** you, Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy.” I’ll have to see what else is out there for next round.
Okay, bright side, bright side...
#1. The BFN means that I move onto new tests with a new doctor, the recurrent miscarriage specialist. (Let’s call her Dr. B, mostly because she reminds me of Kathy Bates for some reason.) She’s proposed doing a hysteroscopy in the first half of this next cycle, but still trying on our own, since Clomid can sometimes have carry over benefits. If we get a BFN again next cycle, then she’s suggested taking the cycle off and doing another endometrial biopsy. Who knows, maybe one of these tests will be the key to unlocking our happily ever after.
#2. The BFN means that I get to be bad this weekend, and ignore my long list of pregnancy do’s and don’ts that have become my lifestyle. I plan to eat like crap, drink my weight, and exercise like a maniac.
#3. No more Clomid. It is not my friend. Did bad things to my lining, made me wayyyy edgy during the first half of my cycle, and gave me freakishly vivid nightmares. And no more sticking pills up my hoo-hah for at least the next few weeks, after having been on estrogen, then later progesterone, this entire cycle.
#4. The anxiety-ridden sleepless night last night meant sharing a nice moment with my husband. 4:00 a.m., curled up together in bed with our new iPad, watching an episode of our favorite show, Arrested Develop.ment, waiting for me to fall back asleep.
#5. It was really really nice and warm and sunny in Chicago today, doesn’t that just make everything seem a little brighter?
So sorry about the BFN, but you do get to enjoy a guilt free weekend!! For me, once I confirm my cycle didn't work I'll be heading to Starbucks for a Venti Peppermint Mocha :) Yay for looking ahead at new tests and figuring out more ways to make it all better!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. One line totally and completely sucks, that's all there is to say. Lean on hubs, you guys are a great team.
ReplyDeleteBut F- Clomid! Onto bigger and better things. Dr. B is going to get to the bottom of this and fix you up. I believe it with my whole heart. Hang in there and do whatever the heck you feel like doing this weekend. Sleep, drink, eat, coffee, sushi, run, etc etc etc. xoxo
Oh no, I am so sorry…I really am. I get so pissed at the test when I see the blank space where a line should be. I have literally had ridiculous conversations with the test where I tell it what an asshole I think it is. Apparently in my case sanity and fertility are both lacking. BTW - I completely here ya with the Clomid. I have a terrible (and I'm not exaggerating when I say that) reaction. A complete and total skin breakout on every inch on my face and horrible horrible itching on my face and boobs. Let me tell ya, I was the prettiest girl at the prom (so to speak). Between my red oozing bumps on my face and constantly itching myself like a nut many times did I thank God that I was already married!
ReplyDeleteDrink. Go shopping. Comfort yourself. I have found that the first two weeks after BFN are the hardest and six weeks out, I am feeling more normal. You are taking action. Take comfort in that. And, Clomid is a bitch. Makes you a crazy person. So, bu-bye to her!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry about that negative, babe. Bring on the booze and guiltless exercise!
ReplyDeleteClomid makes me crazy too. Femara didn't affect my mood so much, but gives me fewer follicles. So... meds are stupid.
So sorry about the negative. I hate that there's no reward for trying harder to conceive, it's all just a crapshoot. When I was in the midst of it, I just kept reminding myself that any way I slice it, I'm one month closer to meeting my future baby.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy splurging on everything on the do not list this weekend ~ sushi, wine. yea! And also, eff clomid. That stuff is evil!! I was on 6 months and it gave me horrible mood swings and hot flashes...I did not like myself on it.
Hoping that this new doc finds some answers - stat - and you will be well on your way to a little baby brightside. xo.
Enjoy this break and embrace all the things you hold back on while going through treatments! I always try to plan a nice dinner out hubby and a bottle of wine (or two) after I get the single line. It reminds me that I can still live a little. Enjoy every minute of it:)
ReplyDeleteShit. Sorry about the negative. Never easy.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely kick back and enjoy all those things this weekend. It's just too bad the gorgeous weather we've had won't last through the weekend!
I think you are in great hands with Dr. B and it's a good start to ditch the Clomid. She'll get a plan for you and you're this much closer to getting your baby.
Hang in there!
So sorry about the BFN. That really sucks, ugh. I hope that you had a fabulous weekend with lots of drinky drinks and things. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha - she totally does remind me of Kathy Bates, now that you say that. Another blogger (Mrs. Misfit) calls her Dr. Kick Ass, so I have started calling her that in my head, too.
Oh man, it's all coming together now! I have a sudden moment of Mrs. Bates in Misery. She absolutely does look like her. I'm hoping that you drank your weight and exercised like crazy (less hormonal) person.
ReplyDelete