That was fun

After my BFN on Thursday and arrival of AF on Saturday, I left messages for my RE and new Dr. B (the recurrent mc specialist) to put our new plans in motion.

Just got off the phone with my RE (let’s call him Dr. RE#1; I’m suspecting there’ll be a #2, especially after this phone call). Was a little awkward since in my message I said that I was pursuing tests with Dr. B, but might be back after that, what would next steps be, etc. Basically a break-up message.

Dr. RE#1 was very gracious and had very good things to say about Dr. B; he respects her work, thought we were making a good decision, and that he’d be willing to work together with her in the future if that made sense for us. He agreed that the Clomid was no good for my lining, so would recommend IUI with injectables next. Sounds great. I would’ve been fine, had the call ended there.

Here’s a sample of what came next:

Him: So let’s see, you’ve had 4 losses, correct?

Me: Yes, and now 6 months trying, 4 on our own, 2 with IUI with you.

Him: Yes, I see that happen with people.

Me: Oh, you’re saying this is common?

Him: Well, you see at some point everyone runs out of time. The egg damage becomes so severe that the eggs won’t even fertilize anymore.

Me: [Who the hell knows since my head started spinning and I was just trying not to cry.]

Him: IVF probably won’t help you because of your low AMH number. Remember, you have a really low AMH of 0.6. Remember? Remember how it’s really low and bad?

Me: [whimpered yes]

Him: Well, good luck with Dr. B, but don’t take too long. You don’t have a lot of time.

Me: [whimpered goodbye]

Good times.

I respect this doctor and on some level appreciate him leveling with me and calling it straight. But right now I want to tell him to go f himself, and the knot is back in my stomach and I can’t get the lump out of my throat and I just want to go home and crawl into bed. Perhaps because I try to surround myself with so much hope and optimism, stuff like this just shreds me. I hate him for saying it, but part of me had already come to the same conclusion. Logically it just follows as the fitting explanation for our history – eggs getting progressively older, hence pregnancies getting progressively shorter to point of disappearing. And you are screwed, m’lady.

My weekend started so badly, I was so down in the dumps. I actually started having thoughts of “maybe it’s time to give up having a genetic child. maybe you’re not strong enough to keep going. maybe it’s time to move on to egg donation. maybe it’s just not going to happen for you.” I was a mess. But somewhere I found my fighting spirit, and actually had an argument with myself, like “what are you doing!? this is not the time to give up. this is the time to fight, b****, fight! bring it world, i can take it!”  Spent the weekend doing things I enjoy, and felt like a new woman today.

Until that stupid call and it all started crumbling again. Ever since our troubles began, I’ve been terrified of not being able to have a baby, but never allowed myself to REALLY believe it would actually be the case. I’m not so sure anymore. 

This all just sucks.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Okay. Already starting to feel better, just being able to vent here. (My husband will thank you.)

So I swore to myself I would find the bright side in every post. So here it is: At least I have another doctor already lined up to switch my care to at this exact second. And she believes that we still have a good chance of having a baby. She made me look in her in the eye and acknowledge that I heard her, that she thinks we are going to be okay. No matter who is right or who is wrong or whatever our outcome, I’d rather be with a doctor who believes in us right now. (And she says AMH don’t mean s***. So suck it, Dr. RE#1.)