The ute looks good

Had my hysteroscopy yesterday with the new Dr. B. Good news is that everything checked out - apparently she was looking for a smooth blemish-free top of my uterus where implantation occurs, and for open passageways to the tubes. Check, check. Also got the quick read on the million vials of blood drawn last month - all normal. 

Which is great news, I get that, yet always oddly unsatisfying. Sooo... 4 miscarriages, 6 months infertility...because of...? No obvious detectable causes means no obvious solutions either.

So, I don't know how many of you have had a hysteroscopy, but... it was not fun. 

The whole thing started off on the wrong foot. I was in the waiting room for about 45 minutes before they called me in, and I spent the time listening to meditations on my ip.od. (I did this before IUI#2 and seemed to go much more smoothly, like my junk was more relaxed.) I was breathing and zen-ing and visualizing myself being brave and strong and relaxed during the procedure, hells yeah, bring it. Then when they finally called my name, I was a little befuddled anyway from the meditation, trying to gather all my crap and find my husband who had wandered off to take a call, and they're calling my name again, as I scramble over to the door. Then the nurse says to me, "your husband needs to wait here until after the case." Excuse me? She repeats herself. I'm not sure which was more confusing, that my husband was not allowed to come with me, or wondering what the hell a "case" was. (Plain english people!!)

We're both so confused, I scuttle through the doorway as my husband turns to walk back to the seating area, shooting each other a quick sad look. And I just start to cry. (Okay, not a total "boo-hoo" cry, but an "all of a sudden tears are spilling down my cheeks uncontrollably" kind of cry.)  So much for the brave strong me. I know it sounds cliche, but my husband is my rock. Ever since mc#1, he has been by my side at every single appointment, to hold my hand and ask the questions I forget and make me laugh in even the worst times. I was anxious about the procedure anyway but had been comforted picturing Mr. B being right there, holding my hand and patting my hair and telling me that everything was going to be okay. Except now he wasn't, and I crumbled. I'm crying even now, just thinking about that moment of panic and fear and loneliness of having to go through it alone. And then I felt like a jackass on top of it, trying to talk to the nurse with tears streaming down my face like some big baby, especially since this was only the second time they've met me. 

(quick side bar: I've realized that I'm very vulnerable when Reality does not meet Expectations (like in 500 days of summer, i love that movie), like, just getting okay with one expected scenario takes so much effort that I can't deal with switcheroos. And yes, I do realize that it was just a not-that-big-a-deal procedure, but somehow I think all the past horrible-things-that-have-happened-in-stirrups bubble to the surface as well.)

Anyhoo, I still hadn't quite pulled myself together when I eventually saw the doctor. And I found myself trying to explain why I'm crying. And she just stops me and asks, "You have your meditations with you? Where is it? Go get it right now." Which shows how super awesome Dr. B is, that she encouraged me to listen to my ip.od the whole time. Plus, they had this giant trees/lake/flowers backlit scene on the ceiling, which really was comforting to look at, and shows that someone at some point thought about the poor girl lying on the table.

So onto the procedure... I've heard of others getting knocked out (or "twilighted") for it. Yeah, I would recommend THAT. I had mine done at my doctor's office, not the hospital, so was only sedated, not knocked out. I got some drugs, but not sure that they really did a whole lot. Took 800 mg of ibuprofen about 45 minutes before my appointment, and then once I was lying down in the procedure room they gave me an Ativan. Now, I'm not sure what the Ativan was supposed to do, but it made me feel a little woozy, a little nauseated, and actually a little anxious, like I had a tightness in my chest and stomach that wasn't there before. And I could feel EVERYTHING. Seriously, I don't know what the drugs were supposed to do - they didn't relax me and didn't numb any pain. It may have made me slightly more inclined to moan incomprehensibly. And apparently gave me an erratic heart rate afterwards which made everyone a little jumpy for a bit.

I'll spare you the gory details of the procedure to not totally freak out anyone about to have it (but if anyone wants to contact me offline that's fine). Though I will mention that a "tight cervix" may be good for some things, but not hysteroscopies. Allrighty then. It's over, it's done, I survived, and am actually not that sore today, compared with other procedures. And we've been able to check one more thing off our list of "what ifs" (and this was something that had been bothering me, with our mc history and previous D&C).


Ah well, keep on truckin' on. Time for the bright side... 

I'm very happy about choosing to switch to Dr. B -- crappy drug options aside, I felt very well taken care of by her and her nurse during the procedure. We go back Dec 13 to make a plan for us.

I'm also really looking forward to a long Thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving is absolutely my favorite holiday - spend a lazy day with all my loved ones, eat (and eat and eat) great food, watch football, stay cozy and warm inside by a fire, and no gift shenanigans. And a long lazy cozy weekend sounds perfect for making a baby with my man. Can I please be thankful in advance for getting knocked up this thanksgiving?

Alright, better shut it down there. Still feeling a little goofy from the Ativan, so who knows what the hell I'm saying... Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!