I hate when I'm right

Beta #1 
hcg = 75, progesterone = 29
  
Beta #2 (6 days later)
hcg = 146, progesterone = 16
  
Yeah. I'd say we're done here.
  
Emotionally, I'm actually doing okay. I mean, I am pissed and confused and saddened, but not really any more so than I was a month ago post-loss #1-5. Having some answers and being out of the dreaded limbo (including already starting to spot) brings tremendous relief. I'm feeling some conviction that we need to explore some new paths, schedule some new RE consults and start looking into adoption. But more on that later. That is all I have the energy for right now.
  
...Except to say thank you once again for all of your incredible support. I decided not to share this pregnancy with anyone in real life (except a small handful of IF/RPL peeps) - not my mom, not my friends. I needed to shut down a bit, and I'm feeling like if we're going to keep pressing forward with ttc given our history, we're going to have to "man up" and have nerves of steel, and spare our loved ones from every bump in this crazy emotional roller coaster. But having you guys makes that okay, and I feel so lucky to have each and every one of you. You. rock.

#6. not looking good.

yes, you read that correctly. we are pregnant for the sixth time.
  
and before anyone gets too excited, or too jealous or pissed off that, yes, we got pregnant our first cycle kinda-sorta-trying again, things are not looking promising.
  
i'm feeling down and brain-dead and tired, so forgive my bullet timeline approach to catching everybody up here...
 - monday, aug 15 (about 1 week post ovulation). have weird cramping feeling. distinctly uterus, not later revealed to be gas. pronounced enough to catch my attention at work.
 - thursday, aug 18. get some spotting. i always get implantation bleeding, so mind starts whirling a bit.
 - friday, aug 19. have relaxing morning since hubs and i have decided to take day off. pee on a stick - negative. I'm okay with that since low expectations our first cycle back, but also suspect might be too early.
 - saturday. positive. but it's one of those store brands so i don't entirely trust it. (a fellow IF/RPL soldier gave it to me so she wouldn't be tempted to test herself while waiting for betas after IVF.)
 - monday morning. negative. what the.... but i bought the wrong kind, some rapid result bullshit that only works after your period is supposed to start, which would be tuesday. so i'm not reassured but dismiss it.
 - monday night. i buy my trusty FRER, get a positive. it's light, but it's evening, been drinking water, blah blah.
 - tuesday, aug 23. finally get up nerve to call my dr. only reason not leaving head firmly planted in sand is because my thyroid levels went wonky last time and figure i better check that out.
 - wednesday. pee on a stick again, first thing in morning, wanting to finally see a convincing positive result. but i don't, the line is there, but a little faint for comfort.
 - wednesday, aug 24. get first beta result. 75. that's right, 7-f***ing-5. i lose it on my poor acupuncturist who I had scheduled a session with right after hearing my result. the way i figure, the absolute LOWEST that a HPT would recognize is, say, 25, and that's probably pushing it. Which means if my hcg was at least 25 on saturday, doubling would put it at least 100 on wednesday. 
  
At that point, I tried to make peace with this not being it for us. Overall, I have been super calm through this pregnancy, and I vowed to keep some zen on, keep calm and carry on, and all that.
  
But then I started feeling pregnant. Super sore boobs. Weird gag reflex when brushing my teeth. Hitting the wall at work around 4p, feeling dog tired. And elevated temperature, which told me my body was still cooking something. Hope starts making an irrational sinister comeback.
  
Until now. Last night I had a weird restless night of sleep, like I always do right before getting my period. My energy seems to be fine today. Didn't gag on my toothbrush tonight. And just now my temperature is lower, even for being late in the day. f. me.
  
I have my next beta on Tuesday. (I made some bs excuse about not being able to come Wednesday to sneak it a day earlier - Dr. B does betas a week apart.) I am praying for a definitive result, one way or another. The limbo of last time really put me through the wringer. And I just hope to keep some semblance of calm until then.
  
The fact that we keep getting pregnant - sperm and egg collide and make life - but that life seems to end as soon as it hits my uterus, is really starting to freak me out. It has been since our 2nd pregnancy since we've even seen a fetus. Empty sacs and chemicals ever since. 
  
Deep breaths. Get through this week. Then deal with what's next.

Results (sort of), and Decisions (kind of)

Hello dear bloggies, sorry to be away so long. We've been on a break waiting for various tests and results and recommendations from our RPL doc. And I didn't realize how badly I needed this break til I was in it. We tried for almost a year to get pregnant this last time, which on top of everything we've been through, was just too long a run of constantly being on high alert 'must be perfect' fertile behavior. Work got really busy, and I kind of let it, since it felt good to get consumed by something other than elusive motherhood. I got a taste of our old life (B-RPL, as starfishkittydreams so eloquently put it) - working a lot, going out a lot, pretty much doing whatever the hell we felt like, without much thought to consequence. Amazing how time flies when you're busy and not constantly monitoring the calendar for what cycle day you are on.
  
So, here's the scoop on where we stand. After our last loss, Dr. B (the RPL specialist) wanted to look further into 3 areas:

• Thyroid - My TSH levels were elevated during my last pregnancy, so I've been on 25 micrograms of levothyr0xine. At 5 weeks pregnant it was 4.2 (ish); post pregnancy pre medication was around 2.2 (ish), and post medicine recent reading was 1.16. Dr. B wanted between 1-2, so was pleased with that. I'm staying on the meds, but I'm starting to worry is making me a little bit anxious/highstrung/restless, which is my tendency anyway so I don't really need any help in that direction. So I might ask her to reconsider my dose since should be in maintenance mode, versus lowering mode.
• Endometrial Function Test (EFT) - I had another endometrial biopsy which was sent off to be tested by Dr. Kliman at Yale. I'll try to explain more about that in another post, but for now some info is here. Basically looks at if hormones are communicating correctly to properly build your lining. My results came back stellar, no problems. And I'm a little comforted that the biopsy came after 2 really stressful weeks at work and 1 week of ridiculous behavior in Ireland. So if that shit didn't throw off my body's ability to build a perfect lining, all the little stuff I worry about controlling probably isn't going to make a difference, right?
• Testing of last pregnancy - Although it pains me to write this, my last pregnancy has now been confirmed as a normal female karyotype. Dr. B. obtained a sample from the hospital that did my D&C, convinced it was maternal contamination, but after all that the testing came back just last week to confirm the original diagnosis. Was the baby, not me. Which means no answers as to why the pregnancy failed. Dr. B. said that there can be problems with the embryo besides chromosomal abnormalities, so doesn't necessarily mean the problem is the oven, not the bun. (Which my friend who had a loss after doing PGD also conveyed from her doctors.) So, I'm trying to not let it wreck me. But was upsetting all over again.

So basically with the exception of the thyroid meds, we've been released into the wild again, to try on our own with basically the same regimen. No real diagnosis, no other meds, still recommending progesterone in 2nd half of cycle (even though EFT was fine).
  
For the first time ever, I'm not feeling impatient and crazed to start trying again. Before in my head our story was "bad eggs" which meant we needed more rolls of the dice to hopefully get lucky, and I wanted as many shots as possible in whatever short amount of time we had left. Now, I'm feeling discouraged and lost and without answers, and that no matter what we do, we are likely to miscarry again, and again, and again...
  
During my last conversation with Dr. B. she encouraged me to wait until I was really ready to try again. I don't know that I am - I've been off acupuncture, spotty on my prenatal, never got around to making that therapist appointment. Emotionally... hard to say. Some days good, others absolutely terrified at the prospect of being pregnant again. Just the hint of getting back in the game turned me into a raving bitch to my husband yesterday - got the wrong stuff at the grocery store, didn't ventilate his work area at the house, all the familiar paranoid pregnancy stuff. Maybe I need a month to gear up. Maybe I need to just frickin jump back in, times a wastin, what the hell.
  
At any rate, I better figure it out quick. CD8, time to start peeing on sticks and checking my hoo ha fluid and unromantically jumping my husband. We shall see.
  
Votes welcome, as well as any recs for OTC prenatals? Not sure I'm crazy about the one I'm on, would love to know if anyone has one they like that's not prescription.
  
Sorry again for being away. Thanks for coming back :)

Back to reality

Hubs and I just returned from Ireland. Was such a great trip - I really let myself let go and not worry about a thing. Stayed out til 3a every night with his cousins drinking Guinness and eating fried food, and never thought twice about it. F-it, I needed a break.
  
But now we are back, and I go in for another endometrial biopsy tomorrow. Nothing says Welcome Home like getting a chunk taken out of your uterus...for the 4th time.
  
I have much to update from our last appointment with Dr. B and the latest round of tests. (And maybe a few pics from our trip.)
  
But for now my thoughts are with some fellow bloggies who have gotten bad news this week, if you could please send some prayers their way...
 - to Misfit Mrs, who lost pregnancy #7 this week after 2 good ultrasounds and just starting to get her hopes up.
 - to Starfish Kitty Dreams, who fears she may be losing pregnancy #5 after a worrisome ultrasound today.
- to Valentina, who is showing some scary signs of preeclampsia and fears she may be delivering her twins too soon at 32 weeks.

Engage

I've been having a hard time getting a post from my swirling brain into something coherent. [Warning, cheesy movie reference to follow...] Remember that scene in T.op G.un when Maverick is trying to get back into training after losing Goose, and the instructors will him with "Come on, kid. Get in there. Engage..."?
  
I've been trying to engage back into "real life" and make lemonade with this forced break. Would you like a glass of wine, ma'am? Yes please! How about some cured meats and unpasteurized cheeses? Sure thing! Another beer with that hot dog? Okay!
  
We've also been painting and renovating our home office that was water damaged last summer. We made a late call to go to Ireland in a few weeks for my husband's cousin's wedding (his parents are Irish and still have family there). Work is busy and I've been trying to embrace it and get in some extra hours. I've been making plans with friends - going to dinner, seeing a movie, having drinks. Still having down days, but doing my best to find some happy or at least fit in the things that I don't like to do while ttc.
  
What I realized the other day that surprised me is that I'm actually having trouble re-engaging with THIS world. I'm feeling pretty lost as to what is next for us, and I think has messed with my sense of identity in this space and certainly my ability to articulate my feelings. We're not TTC right now, not pregnant, not doing consults, not moving forward with adoption, not [fill in the blank]. I feel like everything is "been there, done that" in terms of reading the books and doing the diet and trying the eastern techniques (acupuncture, yoga) and it all didn't change sh*t. And while I've been reading along with all of you, it's mostly been in stolen moments on my phone which makes it hard to comment anyway, but even so I'm just having a hard time finding the right words. "I truly hope for the best for you but it might turn out really shitty" isn't exactly the comforting support anyone is looking for. So I'm sorry for being a bad bloggie friend :(
  
We saw Dr. B last week, and I will write another post to update on that. Even a week later, I just still haven't quite processed it, has put me into a mental purgatory/stupor of sorts. Short version is "more tests, don't give up yet, IVF is not for you." Huh.
  
I'll try to be less lame and re-engage soon. Thinking of you all...

Getting by / Test results

I'm doing... okay.
  
In some ways I think that all things considering, I'm doing pretty well. Functioning in most aspects of my life. Not feeling the out-of-control despair of past losses. Getting through most of the day pretty unemotionally.
  
But... I have a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning or off the couch on weekends. I can't seem to climb out of the hole of laundry, mail, emails, work, blah blah, that started to pile up as soon as I saw that second line. I'm having a really hard time finding my give-a-shit about most things. I can see outside myself to know that I'm showing some signs of depression, but who cares (ha! see I can still joke).
  
Hope is taking a pretty hard hit right now, especially since my follow-up with my OB last Friday. I went into it with the mindset of "no big deal, just a follow-up to the D&C" and to put aside my emotions - I didn't even have my husband come with me. I even survived the 30-minute wait in a packed waiting room of uber-preggos, blocking it all out. But that composure lasted about 30 seconds once I got in the room.
  
Unexpectedly, my test results were already in for the genetic testing of the "products of conception": normal karyotype, no chromosomal abnormalities. 
  
I instantly lost it. I know this must seem weird that this upset me - that should be good, right? Wrong. It means no answers. It means no absolution from all the doubt and self-blame of what **I** might have done wrong. It means we have NO F'ING CLUE why this pregnancy failed, or what we could possibly do differently to change our outcome.
  
I was so emotional, but my doctor was sitting in front of me, without the slightest impatience, trying to talk to me. So I pulled my head out of my rear enough to try to take advantage of it and ask some questions. He thought that it likely pointed to egg quality, which can manifest itself in other ways besides chromosomal. He gently expressed his concern about this working out for us, asked if we've thought about egg donor, etc. etc. To which I sobbed, "I just don't know how to give up." I asked about how crazy and illogical we were to be thinking about IVF - give my eggs a looksie and pick the best of the lot - and he thought some of the data against it was outdated, that maybe it could help us, at the very least we were not unjustified in exploring it. I expressed all my fears about what I could be doing wrong, and he vehemently reassured me that aside from taking some specific medicine, there was nothing I could DO to have caused this. He asked if I was getting the emotional support I needed, and suggested a therapist that specializes in loss.
  
By the end of the conversation, he was wiping away his own tears. Which just totally blew me away, to see such genuine care and compassion for us. Unfortunately our situation is not his specialty, there is only so much he can do.
  
And so it's back to Dr. B next week. I am very curious to hear her recommendations. This past loss is on her hands, so to speak. So no more dismissing my concerns and questions, no blaming it on my past care. 
  
I'm trying not to over-think it til then, but easier said than done. The fear of never having a biological child has been present since our first loss, but I always manage to push it down and focus on hope. But the fear is winning right now, and pressing on my chest like a weight. 
  
And I found out something that I wish I didn't know. My OB gave me a copy of test report to make sure I had it for my meeting with Dr. B. And it noted the gender. I can't even bring myself to write it here, it is too painful, and has made the loss very fresh and very real. 
  
Wish I could leave on a brighter note, but not seeing much bright side right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Unexpected kindness

Has been a long week, emotionally and physically. Funeral services for my uncle. Still recovering from the D&C. Trying to process this last loss, and what it means for us moving forward. And then Mother's Day. 
  
Yesterday I started to come back to life - got a pedicure and eyebrow wax, went to the grocery store, made dinner, showered. But then today knocked me on my ass again - everywhere I turned was a reminder of what I didn't have, what was still so elusive for us. I kind of puttered about the house, a little of this and that, not really accomplishing anything, before crawling back in bed for a few hours this afternoon. Almost blew off dinner with my family, but managed to drag myself out and while hard, was better than wallowing all night. My littlest nephew seemed to know exactly what I needed, and crawled into my lap and snuggled for the first 20 minutes I was there.
  
I came home to find an email from an old friend in my inbox. She suffered 2 miscarriages when trying to start her family. This was years before kids were on my radar or that I could fully comprehend what she was going through, but I knew that it shook her up terribly. After my second loss when I was feeling so alone and confused and desperate for help, I reached out to her. She was so full of both information and empathy, I clung to her like a life raft. Eventually I found a support group, resources, this blog, etc., so I leaned on her less, and to be honest wanted to relieve her of having to dredge up all her past pain. It's probably been 8 months since we've spoken (since I live under a rock and hardly talk to anybody) and she certainly doesn't know about our most recent loss. Which makes her thoughtfulness and kindness all the more amazing. She wrote:
  
Thinking of you today especially, and I hope you are doing well. The love in your heart for the angels you have lost is real. I continue to pray that you one day will be holding a child of your own. You are a mother. May God bless you, keep the faith that your time of motherhood is still only beginning.
  
It brought tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart, and was exactly what I needed to hear. I share it here, for all of you who deserve it as well.